Life as I know it.
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2001-07-11 05:38:19 (UTC)

wondered how long it would take

So everyone my ex found my diary, i feel kind of violated
but not really anyone can access this thing. Well Matt, if
you read this you know everything Im thinking....I never
asked for you to read this, but you did, im not going to
ever candy coat my feelings in my diary, cause thats lying
and I so dont lie, especially in my diary.

So moving on to what i was gonna originally write in my
diary, well I have a job interview today....well yeah i
guess today since today is kinda tomorrow, no matter, its
at this really cool recycled goods store on the southside.
My friend emily is leaving her job and im most likely
taking over, just a formality that I have to go for the

Today what did I do, well i kicked myself for not going to
alan's last night eventho i know he will be back in three
weeks. I mean Im bad at hanging out with people who live
like a block or more away from me...but my god what if i
dont see him again? well im sure i will i really want to
move to Boston and since that offer is up, ill probably
take it.

I also basically just chilled and smoked all night...talked
about life with Jaqi for a while...she is like Lindsay kind
of, I can just really talk to her about anything and
honestly (eventho my diary is public) I cant talk close to
many people...maybe like 4 or 5 people, which may sound
like a lot but I do have a lot of friends, what can I say?

And of course I thought about matt tonight, even before
this whole fiasco of him finding this. I think Im over
him, but im not. I mean I love him, but not sure if im
still in love with him. I miss him like hell but of course
you are going to miss someone you see everyday of your
life...but i miss him as a person. I mean i was talking to
sarah tonight actually im still takling to her and i was
explaining how he found out about this and stuff, and i
said "i just dont care" and she asks me if i really dont
care, of course I care. Never meant to hurt him, still
dont mean to really. I still want him to hurt as bad as he
hurt me, only natural. im vengeful like that. He said i
made him sound dumb, I dont think so, god if i made him
sound dumb im sure i sound sickningly dumb and of course
immature, cause i am being immature but its the only way I
can be over him is not to be myself...if that makes sense.
I have to have some kind of defense, and god i hate it but
immaturity and avoidance are always my defenses. I try to
be his friend but i catch myself starting to fall for him
and all my jealousy of "what is he doing without me" comes
back so I have to avoid it for now to make me feel better.
Im a girl, we act like that...so men take note.
I miss him tho and im sorry i ever made him hurt. It's
just that i still hurt, a lot, too much somedays, and
sometimes i feel like i dont hurt enough others.

Anyway oh i just found out josh is not moving to MI so alas
he will be around, and when my bud from highschool turns 21
i will get to take him out, i like this, my friends who
arent 21 all want me to take them out when they turn 21
cause everyone heard about my 21st bday drunken, drug using
binge. Twas fun. I would never give that night and
weekend back tho it included massive hangovers...

speaking of hangovers remember how i was on that big
drinking binge? Im off of that and on this pot binge.
Which is worse cause im truly shaggy of scooby doo when it
comes to the munchies so i actually have been exercising to
equal out the full meals I eat when im stoned.

I still miss LIndsay, god I love that girl, she is a
reflection of the good parts of myself, not the bad parts.
You know how they all say we have a soul mate and we just
assume its of the opposite sex? No way, Lindsay is and
probably will be the greatest person I have ever met in my
whole life. She is my best friend, and my guardian angel
sometimes when I fuck up. She is my reassurance when
things go bad. She is always there no matter what, and I
think thats what a soulmate is supposed to be...so albeit i
wouldnt mind it in a male form, but i think it might be
better that she is a female so things never fuck us up.
HAHAHA she cant cheat on me, cant dump me, cant use
me....its all good.

Anyway im finishing this entry, after i saw matt leave
feedback in my diary i am not really in the mood to write,
but it needs to be done its my therapy.

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