2001-07-11 05:31:28 (UTC)

"shes taking her time....

...making up the reasons, to justify all the hurt inside"

yeah thats me. fuck this man. for real. when will i
learn? why cant i just give up like the rest of fucking
humanity? IS there any such thing as love? when all they
care about is themselves. is anyone really even capable of
loving anyone else in today's world? because every time i
look back, theres NOTHING THERE! and there never even
was. its gotten progressively worse over the past 5
years. ever since i began the whole "falling in love"
bullshit. each time, im more convinced than the last,
that its REAL. that they're good and honest and REAL. and
each time, i get fucked over worse and worse than the

I miss Sam. why did i fuck all this up? why did i take
the only GOOD people i knew, that really loved me, really
cared about me, and FUCK IT UP. now theres no one.
theres no one. i should know, you dont regain trust
completely. ever. ever. and he doesnt even care. i came
online just now. to tell him something. and hes like "4
years. yeah, wow, things have changed a lot." ? i almost
cried. WHY? why did they change? because im a fucking
bitch. because i was stupid. because why? why? because
i wish and hope and beg for someone to fucking love me for
affection for someone to care, and then i FUCK IT ALL
UP. "there was a time i would have layed in traffic for
you." and didnt i care that much? if i did, why did i
let it all go? why do i always? now theres no one. just
matts fucking booty calls and lies. fuck him. why does
everyone have to be so mean? shes right. people are just
mean. thats all there is to it. and i was just like that.
and now its too late. no one. No kendra. no britt. no
sarah. no sam. nikkis on fucking drugs having sex with
her step brother. they all loved me. they looked up to
me. and i fucked it up. i fucked it up. i fucked it up.