Beyeza's mental musings
2001-07-11 05:28:12 (UTC)

Happy Birthday to me

Well, it is my birthday and I am getting a little depressed
right now. And I don't know what to do to make myself feel
better. I feel lonely and trapped right now with Bryan
because he is the main one I've been seeing for the past
couple of weeks. I don't know how it happened, but just
like before, I was always with him everywhere and ignored
the rest of my social life. I feel as if I don't have any
friends or any control over where my life is going. What
is weird is that since being around him a lot and having
sex with him, a lot of people say I sound down, his
roommate, Reggie, said that I don't have that same spark in
my eye that I did last time he saw me. The day I left from
over there without getting mine, two guys stopped me saying
that I needed to smile more and so forth. Today after
leaving from Bryan's, Toni was wondering what was wrong
with me. And I know what it is. Bryan is sinking his
clutches deeper and deeper into me. I mean he likes to
literally control my body and I think he likes me so much
because I am this sexual toy that he thinks is completely
at his disposal and he is in total physical heaven. There
is nothing deeper to our relationship than his physical
desire. He connects with me only on the physical level. He
believes that if he can give me physical satisfaction, then
I will be pleased with him. But that is not what I am
about at all. Not at all. I mean the physical feels good,
but first it is not love making. With him, it is sex -
satisfying sex - but still just sex. Second, I don't like
always being pawed at on a constant basis you know.