2001-07-11 02:48:48 (UTC)

"i'm going to sleep.... sleep....

..and imagine that you're here with me.." -pretenders

im really tired.. and i cant sleep.. and im very like.. i
dont know how to say. like i want someone to hug me. not
even... i dont know. i feel like i really need affection
right now. like a little kid. and im trying but i dont
want... i dont want anything to change really. im scared
of change. and im scared you dont like me. and im scared
you'll be like everyone else. or that i will. and i dont
even think you like me...
this ones for you. i really like you. im so hoping im not
wrong this time because im amazed at how GOOD you seem.
like. i think you're real. im scared and i dont even
think you like me and at least not like that. like what?
i dont know. i dont even know what im feeling but i know i
want to be around you a lot. i want to be close to you.
like the way i always try to AVOID. i dont know what
exactly i want. youre right. but i like you very much.
you listen to me. nobody fucking listens to me. i feel
like you know me. nobody even tries to know me. i want to
help you as much as i know you can help me. i think you
already have. i'm rid of him. i think you can make me
strong again. but i dont want this to be all about me.
not this time... i hope im not wrong... i hope im not being
a stupid kid... every time i look back, im like damn. i
was so stupid to think this or that. so stupid to think he
cared. so stupid to believe in him. to believe in us. so
naive to ignore the fact that he was cheating on me. and
he still would be. so stupid to let them all do this to me.
so stupid to let them use me. or control me. or hit me. or
cheat on me. everyone. theres always something for
everyone to do to hurt me. to the point where im scared of
anything. i dont want to be scared and i dont want to be
alone and i dont want to fuck up. i want to be strong and
at peace with myself. i want something fucking mutual for
once. something real not bullshit...