a freak with a heart
2002-08-11 05:28:37 (UTC)

A bad state at which im in

I am in such a horrible state of mind right now. Im over
tired, over emotional, empty, lonely, I have such low self-
esteem, and my head feels like it is going to explode. I
just got back home today from my little "family vacation".
I hated it so much!!!! Stuck with my family for a week,
every moment spent together, yelling and fighting. Kept
away from friends and Jeremy except for the little 20
minute phone calls I got to make every 2 days. I was just
dying to get home. And now that I am home, I want to crawl
in a ball and hide from my pain. The only thing that kept
me sane (well sane for me) was thinking that when I came
home I could draw a hot bubble bath with candles and lay in
the tub and talk to Jeremy for hours. Well... I come home
and he's not even home (he knew I got home today). It ends
up that he went with his best friend to see the movie I
have been dying to see and can't get anyone to go see it
with me. Seriously, I have been waiting to see Triple X
since they started advertising it on TV. And I don't know
why but it kinda gets to me that he went and saw it before
I got to AND on the night I came home. Plus the other movie
I really wanted to see was Lilo and Stitch. We were
supposed to see it together when I was down but.....we
never did. So we are gonna wait until THANKSGIVING to see
it!!!!! but here's where I get pissed at life I have
someone to see Lilo and Stitch with but I don't have
anyone to go see Triple X with! I swear someone or
something hates me!!!!!! So i guess i don't see either or at least
not for a long time. Nothing ever goes right for me.
I am so depressed. I mean really depressed. The whole
Jeremy/distance thing has really gotten to me plus after
all this vacationing I have gained 10 pounds so now I hate
myself as well, well hate how I look anyway. AAAAAaaahhhhh
im so depressed that all I want to do is eat. When I get
depressed I tend like most ppl to turn to food. BUT im not
eating because I want to lose weight. And I am from now on
going to sit here all day alone and do nothing. Cause
Jeremy sleeps until around 5 at night and from 2-6 I baby-
sit, and im not up really before 1. My life really has
turned into hell. and just think it's only gonna get worse
I start back to school in 3 weeks!!!!! yay more stress,
depression and problems......can't wait!!!!! Please someone
put me out of my misery now, please!!!!!

well i guess for now i can only hope and dream, sleep and
hide, drownd in my own self pitty and pain! cause no one
seems to really care anymore. And to tell you the truth I don't blame
anyone for giving up. Im just about ready to give up on myself as