Fallen Angel

A Punk in Virginia? NO WAY!
2001-07-11 00:19:57 (UTC)

Tuesday July 10, 2001

I keep wondering if it was me that killed her. I didn't
stay by her side. I didn't tell her not to hang out with
them. I didn't tell her not to sneak out and I sure as hell
didn't tell her not to get into that car. I think about her
everyday and I know there is something I could have done to
keep her from dying. What if I was in the car with her? I'd
rather be dead than going through this. It'll be 2 years in
August. I'll never get over losing my best friend. The
hardest part is everyone thiks I'm lying. They think I was
with her that night. That I had something to do with it.
That I'm just being stubborn and not talking. They have all
this hope that maybe I'll decide to talk, but I don't know
anything. If I did I would tell them. I want to find out
what happened as much as everyone else. I wish I had been
in that car. I wish I could tell them not to drink or smoke
for that matter. I feel like I failed her, I wasn't a true
friend. When she needed me most I turned my back and told
her to do what she felt was right. I didn't want her to
hang out with them and do that stuff, but in a way if I had
told her not to do it I would've been a hipocrite. I've
moved back into my parents' house for the summer. It sucks.
My sleeping disorder is coming back. I don't go to sleep
until about 12 in the afternoon and then I sleep until
about 11 at night. But since I'm grounded right now I can't
even go out. So I sit at home for hours and play Final
Fantasy 8. I think I'm becoming a video game nerd. I used
to make fun of people that would play RPG's for hours on
end. Then other night I played the whole time I was awake.
11 at night until noon the next day. Then when I think
about I feel pathetic. I have no friends. Well, I know that
I have friends but I can't help but feel alone all the
time. I'm tired of all these stupid doctors and thier
stupid counselling sessions, it just take up time where I
could be playing Final Fantasy. I have some guys that are
interseted in me singing for their punk rock band. In fact
I have a lot of people that want me to sing. Three
different groups and then Scab wants me to do a short
feature on his CD maybe. I have to have the surgery on my
tongue in August when I get back from the beach. I know it
sounds weird but the only thing I'm scared of is that I
won't be able to kiss as well as do after I get it done. I
mean I've always been complimented on what a good kisser I
am. Having half a tongue isn't so bad. But they say I have
to get it fixed. It's a long story how it happened and I
won't go into it. It's just gruesome. Think of the guy on
Real World that got his tongue bitten off, let's just say I
know how he feels now. Happening once is bad enough,, but
for the stitches to comeout during school is so
embarassing! But I still managed to make-out with a guy
that night after school let out. Guys are weird. I don't
understand why I'm so attracted to them. I know some girls
that do just fine without a boyfriend. I'm fine without a
boyfriend, but I have to at least have somebody to make-out
with. People sometimes think I'm slutty because I'm so open
about my sexuality. I'll make-out with a guy the first
night I meet him if he's cute enough. Buh, my mom walked in
the room.