S

trapdoors
2002-08-10 23:08:36 (UTC)

sometimes i think (and i shouldn't)

sometimes i think
the world is not enough
to hold me
in one place
that my resistance
is weak
those boundaries
mean nothing to me

sometimes i think
my sadness is enough
to kill a race
but my love
is greater than a war

internally this fight
to end my life
or to live
to go to church
or renounce God
to be still
or turn violent

sometimes it's easier
to play victim
and pretend
you have no idea
that everything is changing
and what you once were
you'll never be again
and those you thought you loved
you'll never see again
and those you thought were your friends
are really not your friends

sometimes i think
it's better
to turn away from me
and love or like me
through letters and poetry
because it won't hurt
to lay your hands on my words
but it will on my skin

too fragile to be your one
and too strong to be your only.


i don't know what i'm trying to say. the ending sounds
like a suicide note in a way. seems like i write a lot of
things that sound like that though. i'm feeling so let
down by everything lately. there just doesn't seem to be
much to go on, it doesn't sound like i try, but i do. i
swear. i can't snap out of it. i can't see the sun.
can't feel what you feel. don't see the beauty that you
see. or the wonderful elements of life. children make me
sad. my friends make me sad. my family makes me sad.
love turns me sour. and hate drives me mad. it's amazing
how you live through others when you are tired of living
for yourself. when you are left to just be something to
someone instead of something to yourself. left to be a
listener without a voice. am i making sense? probably
not. i think i need to be shaken or slapped, cut or
bruised to feel anything but this. but i've tried that
before and it only works for an instance. and then it's
just physical pain on top of everything else.
how fucked up is that. when you try to hurt yourself just
to get out of the pain you're in? ha. it's so hard to
explain to people so i don't even try.

at least i can write. when i do try to talk about it it
comes out bad. not that it can come out any other way.
stroke my ego and tell me all the good things about me
until i snap out of it. nice try. you feel sorry for me.
isn't that nice. i don't care. you will not be enough to
save me. but it's not your fault. no one should blame
themselves for my unhappiness. yes, i'm crazy. if you
haven't figured that out by now you never will. crazy i
know because i'm a girl who can't see the lighter side of
life. who is caught up in crying when she should be
smiling. everyone is here and i am there. i'm sure it's
not so definite as that, but it is to me. what is to you
is not to me. that's where the problems rise. i'm trying
and i'll try again. but one day i will probably give up
for good. unless i save myself. but i don't know how that
is to happen. i've been trying for years. i really have.
my mind is so crazed. so dark. a mind can take your
life. i don't want to have these thoughts anymore. jesus
i wish i'd feel alive. i'd give anything to want to live.
to not have these thoughts in my head. i'm scared for
myself. hopefully there will be something good to come
along and change me, to make me see what others see. in
myself. that is all i want. to view myself the way you
see me. the ones who say they love me. i wish i knew how
that felt.

suzanne




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