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2002-08-10 17:24:32 (UTC)

This facade is getting harder..

This facade is getting harder to keep up. I love two men.
The one I am with is annoying me in the fact that I know if
I get fed up I can be with the other. But that is selfish
and abusive on my part. I keep wondering if I should clear
my consious and tell them the truth. I am more honest with
Alan than James, I can talk to him and he forgives me.
James would freak out and call me all the names in the book
and proceed to detach himself from me and everything
associated with me. I have to do something..I feel like I
am going crazy. I thought I could swallow down all of this
and just stay with James, make myself happy. But I still
wonder about Alan, if he still thinks about me..if he is
still waiting for me...Am I ready for him?? My mom told me
that there will always be that person who you wonder about
and almost like the one who got away..No matter who you end
up with..But that to me says unhappy or unsatisfied..I
don't want that I need absolute closure..

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