Midnight

The Nightshade Princess
2002-08-10 16:59:42 (UTC)

Hold me under, cut away this

Thank you to Shadow and Snifflepod for your replies.
First I would like to say this to Snifflepod: What Spyder
and I had was passion. It was an elecrtic current, a candle
burning far too bright. It seems to have burnt out
quickly, as all such things do. He made me feel...
Actually, now that I think of it, I'm not certain how he
made me feel. There was companionship, nothing as deep and
spirtually connecting as with LesTaT. He was too insecure
for me to feel free. I appreciate your opinion. Thank you
for making me think on this matter in such a way.
Shadow... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I have missed you so
much! My words leave me, and I am left only with this
sensation of wonder and joy to finally hear from you
again! It is good to know you are still watching over me,
even from Idaho. It seems also that you've somehow caused
a trend. I have a guardian where I live also. His name is
Omar and I think the two of you would get along well. I
will email you after I finish this entry.
Whiteguy (a friend) is trying his hardest to bring
LesTaT and I together again. Actually, all of our mutual
friends are doing this. They were not pleased with Spyder
from the very beginning, probably because he wasn't
LesTaT. Even my admirers want to see the two of us become
a couple once more. I am continually amazed at how many
people are actually taking some sort of interest in this,
and how many are getting involved.
My last year of high school began a few days ago, and
already I am weary of it, though my classes promise to be
fun and interesting (all 3 of them). I think now that I,
perhaps, have a problem with routine. I can't explain,
however it seems that whenever I'm forced into some sort of
regular schedule, I whither. I already have a loss of
appetite to deal with, but this too will probably pass. My
mother is basically force-feeding me again. That's not
good. I started to become dizzy again, but I don't think
it was from lack of food this time.
My father hasn't bothered to try and speak to me once
after I left. I guess that shows how much he really
cares. I don't mind. There is nothing I could possibly
say to him that wouldn't cause more trouble. Sometimes I
am troubled that I feel this way, though it took 17 years
of abuse for me to finally figure this out.... I forgave
him when I was 15 and lived with him, only to find that by
the time 2 years had passed, he had become worse than
before! I have never been able to hold a grudge or stay
upset at someone for more than a few days. I always
forgive. I just can't help that. I find that I'm
forgiving Spyder for what he has done, and the masochist in
me says "Why not try to fix things?" I know better. Yes,
I know better...




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