Logan

Raven's Scratchings
2002-08-10 06:53:08 (UTC)

Like father, like...um...well maybe not.

You know, I noticed a trend that I should have seen
earlier. Everytime I come up here to visit my dad in
Seattle, we get on each others nerves a lot faster. It
used to be we could go for a couple of weeks, almost a
month without any problems, now it's down to almost a
couple of hours. I've always loved Seattle and the city,
but I've started to dread the trip. I think it'd funny if
it wasn't so ridiculous: No one forces him to have me here,
I cost him money in food (even though I try to eat about
HALF of what I normally eat), and apperntly I always break
things when I'm here (alright, I'll give him partial credit
there, I do have a habit of tinkering, but his computer is
so poorly made and maintained, it's amazing that it runs at
all). Yet he throws so many fits and tantrums that you'd
think I was some sort of burden to him. It really pisses
me off this time because I realised that a)I live in a
totally different lifestyle, and adjusting from one
lifestyle to another isn't easy and can't be done in a
matter of days, b)I'm the one who makes all the sacrafices
(well the really hard ones) considering I leave behind a
bed (I sleep on the couch), my room, my computer (much
better than his, therefore easier for me to work on), my
city (ehh) and most of all, Oak. I did not want to come up
here this time, I had been up till 2 or 3 in the morning
for almost a week in a row, I'd been doing a lot of hard
work and stressing and crying, and I was very much on the
verge of a breakdown (why I get the feeling I'm going to
regret saying that?). I was leaving behind several
projects to have to come up here to a comptuer that CAN NOT
run well enough for me to work on effectively, and
therefore I have to wait a month to get back to my work.
But most of all, I was leaving behind Oak, who I was
worried about and thought needed me there for her. I know
she's a strong girl, but everyone has their limits before
they collapse and give in. And I had my own reasons for
wanting to see her, each time I'd seen her, I got nervous
and shaky and worried, but it was the sort of kind you get
just before you meet someone important to you and hope you
make a good impression. And I never do that anymore, I'm
very calm and confident, but being around her is
intoxicating and addictive, I'm actually happy around her.
So yes, I did have a selfish reason for staying, but it was
not the main reason. I just was tired, I've been sleepy
and tired for a month, I've just wanted to take a break,
rest, not have anything to do, no responsibilities to
school or work or anything else. But here I am, 2 days
before we go out of town, where I will be deprived of
internet totally (no I'm not some comptuer addict, but I do
a lot of work on the net and the computer, work I LIKE) and
will have to work at a damned fair to earn money for no
real reason when I have 2 exams I have to study for after
crash coursing for weeks. Meaning that my month long
vacation is going to be more bloody work, regardless of
whether or not I'm paid, and then, after that, I spend my
last week in Boise at a condo TOTALLY isolated from my
projects that are a year overdue and I want to get
fnished. Then, I ahve one more class and then when I get
home I have to order my next semester of classes and get a
job at home. I swear I don't see how I'll do it, but I
managed to comlete the last week leadng up to my trip and I
didn't see how I coudl do it. 'As the soul's fire of hope
dwindles and fades, it oft releases but a single spark that
catches the fires once more ablaze.' Where was I? Oh
yeah, dad. He throws these fits over the slightest things
like I'm totally inconveniencing him, when all he has to do
is not buy me a ticket up here. I can only hope that he'll
be a little happier if/when Oak comes with me next time,
but if she's here, than I could go through any of his
little fits. So let's recap: Father doesn't seem happy to
see me, Step-Father doesn't like me at all, but it's
mutual, and mother doesn't understand that step-father
doesn't like me (but I love my mother anyways, so I'm not
ranting about her). Seems like one hell of a family, eh?
I wonder if I'll ever have a full family, or anyone, that
loves me, the real me.




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