Scenes from a Marriage
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2001-07-10 18:02:03 (UTC)

Tuesday, July 10th

Well, he finally talked to his lawyer yesterday and he has
to go to the DNA testing however many times it is scheduled
even if she doesn't show. I guess Public Aid gives her 3
no shows before they go afer her benefits. Which is
retarted that he can get in more trouble for not going than
she can, he will have to take time off work each court
date, becuase something just tells me she won't show up
unless it means she will lose money. Why should she? She
doesn't feel like she owes anything to anybody. She
started all this mess, but she won't finish she will run
off and hide like a big chicken knowing she told a bunch of
lies again about something really important.

The therapist keeps trying to convince us we have the
skills to parent Jordan, no one wants to be the bad guy
here and make the decision to split them up, they just all
want us to keep them and they can go back to their
comfortable lives. I got news for all of them, none of
them live with this child and know how he really is---we do
and if they don't believe us now about things with him they
are never going to believe us. In 5 years if he is robbing
places, setting animals on fire, etc. they probably will
still say we just don't understand him. The therapist now
says he is being so hard to deal with because he is
depressed and not getting much sleep. I can understand the
depression thing, and I feel bad for him, but having him
around does not help my depression.

I am tired of people trying to make our decisions for us,
there are a lot of things that need sorted out in the mess,
and one of them is these kids and their problems. If our
marriage was 90% even I would say "Okay, we can make it
through this", but it is not, we still have too many things
hanging over our marriage. The results of the paternity
test, if I am willing to continue the marriage, if he is
willing to be a "responsible married man" and live by my
rules (no drinking, no cheating, no lying). We have tried
with these boys, but Jordan is just too much for any one
family, he is too much especially for us. It doesn't take
away my longing for another child, even though this hasn't
gone well, but I think it is time to give that dream a
rest. I mean Ben just turned 10 last week and even if we
would get an infant by the end of the year, that would be
10 years difference, they would have nothing in common.