camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-08-09 15:42:22 (UTC)

bjaylee berns with jam

so i'm here. alone. at night.

for some reason i feel this heaviness weighing upon me. i
feel this pain of being someone who's just not good enough.
someone who just doesn't have what it takes to be
beautiful, or understood, or...perhaps, interesting.

i read something disturbing today. someone saying that i
sound like i'm in wonderland, of someone saying that crying
is like a drug, of someone saying that she feels like shit
not because she turned a guy down but because she feels
empty inside.

'i get more and more friends to fill up this hole in my
heart. but they never seem to fill it up. what is it? what
can fill this hole up?'

in other words, she was trying to tell the person that she
wants HIM to fill that hole up. she was writing to the guy
she supposedly likes.

and of course, it doesn't help that another guy is
fantasizing about her, or her cousin. talking about their
tits and how much he wants to squeeze them and fuck their
brains out. it doesn't help that he's proud of his
being 'honest' and 'open', unlike those other guys who
pretend to be 'good guys' when in fact they also stare at
girls' asses while walking along a shopping complex.

it's like meeting a robber who's proud of being one because
at least he's honest about being a robber. it's so
incredibly ridiculous.

and i feel this anger at the assumptions that people make
of me. am i just a person who leaves behind trails of wow
look at me i'm in wonderland shit? why can't i be someone
who...well...doesn't give a shit about what other people
think of me? why must i color inside the lines? what if i
refuse to be limited? i can color outside the lines simply
because i want to. and i really really shouldn't care what
others say. because this is what i want.

but doing what i want is such a selfish act of being me.

i am in a world of conflicts and contradictions. must i
continue living in this dream world where everyone is
floating around and criticizing everybody
else 'constructively'?

constructive criticism. that is the silliest way of
saying 'you're dumb and stupid and i don't like you!' .
people hide behind big words to try to make them sound more
posh and elegant: like saying 'libido' instead of 'horny',
or 'feces' instead of saying 'shit', or 'clandestine'
instead of 'secret'.

this morning i was catastrophic candice who talked to
magnificent martin and listened to atrocious amabel and
precious peter.

all these words and adjectives in attempts to just make
everything and everyone seem a little bit better...or worse.

woohoo look at me i'm in wonderland.

one day i'll go dancing on the moon. god i wish everybody
would just leave me alone. i wish i would leave myself
alone.




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