Am I insane? Or just surrounded?
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2002-08-09 04:21:57 (UTC)

August 8, 2002

I am so mad right now. We arrived home from New York two
days ago. The minute I got home I got on the phone to call
Frankie, and she invited me over to hang out with her. I
aranged with my parents to drive me there, but on the way
out of Dan's room, (where my family had gathered for some
reason which kind of confuses me. My mom was in his room
and she could have been talking to the wall and recieved
more recognition for her existance. I walked into the room
to ask if she would drive me to Leana's, when my father,
not wanting to miss any excitment, had noticed that the
entire contents of the house (including the dogs) where
compressed in my brother's large but compacted room from
all the shit he has in there.) So anyway while walking out
I tripped over one of my dogs and fell face first onto the hard-
wood floor. My lovely black braces cut my lip and blood
began to pour down my chin. I didn't cry of cource seeing
as that holds no place in my personality, but I did
scream... once. But after that I basically just curled up
on the floor in pain while I let my legs spasm around. Well
I went to Frankie's anyway and we walked around and caught up
for the better part of the day and I told her how my mom
and I had in fact quote/end quote, bonded... for the time
being. Well when my dad came to pick me up he of course
started a casual convorsation with Leana's mom about nobody
gives a damn anyway, so Frankie hung her feet off the balcony
of her room and talked to me for a while. When I got home
my lip was extremely swolen, but I slept well. It was a
really nice change becuase I've noticed that I have
insomnia most nights when I try to sleep. No matter what
time I get in bed I wont fall asleep for two and a half
hours and the earliest. But that night felt different. It
was kind of like I felt back where I belong, in my bed.
Deep thought: It seems to me that it's the little things
that really matter. Like have you ever felt like, on your
birthday, even if you got the "Walkman" you wanted, if your
parents yell at you, it ruins the whole
day, regardless how much the apoligize or try to make it up
to you. Or even on an ordinary day, if the guy you've liked
for half the year asks you out, but that whore from
humanities who you care nothing about, but somehow... what
ever she says makes you feel so useless, even if it's not
the least bit true, calls you a slut or a poser or some
lable that shallow freaks always tend to hold so important,
it could set you off in the worst mood... even if you end
up making out with your new boyfriend later that afternoon
and he surprises you with flowers... I don't know. I mean
think, if you had to change rooms with your sibling or
parent or whoever the fuck you want in your house, it might
seem a bit akward at first trying to remember but I bet
that within a week you would be acustomed to heading to
there room as soon as you got home, (especially if there's
was bigger than yours.) But if you go away to camp for a
few weeks and you come back, the shower head in your
bathroom always feels different. And everytime
you step into it and turn on the water you always feel
uneasy for the first three seconds. Or if you switched from
a firm pillow to feathered (or the other way around) you
wouldn'y get any sleep at all. And I don't think you could
ever get used to it and would end up switching back after a
couple of nights. This thought was triggered from when I
was in New York. The only type of pillow they had in the
whole hotel was feathered and it drove me insane. My mom is
a very light sleeper and if I turn in my bed she will get
agrivated and tell me to pick a spot and stay there. So
needless to say, niether of us got anywhere near the sleep
we would like. Well anyway back to my life... heh. The next
morning I got online and told Frankie she was going to the
mall with me. She reluctantly agreed. It's not a big deal
to us because we constantly order eachother around and go
along with eachother's plans. We had no ride there because
seeing as how my Grandma is my mother's only friend, she
invited her over to play bridge, even though I doubt any of
them really know how to play. They just sit there quietly
with hostile faces and glare at eachother. It's pretty
creepy actually. So anyway we decided that we might take
the bus. I usually don't allow my parents in my room for
more than a few minutes at a time or hardly at all when I'm
online and ESPECIALLY behind me, becuase i don't want them
to read the convorsations I have with my friends. But
seeing as how I had the slightest trust in my mother after
our little trip I allowed her to search my room for
pictures of my eighth grade graduation, (I'm a freshman
next year). But anyway of cource she was reading it and
because she is such a fucking over protective psycho-path
she wasn't going to let me take the bus to the mall, which
I very well knew so had told Frankie that I was just going to
tell her that her parents were taking us to the mall and
then we would go to the bus stop by her house. My mom of
cource read this and asked, "What kind of scheme are you
planning!?" and I said "Nothing Mom," and rolled my eyes.
Two minutes later I here my mom telling my dad something
about the bus and I here him whisper, "That's just like
her! Telling us one thing and doing another! I wouldn't
trust her as far as I could throw her!" What amazed me was
that I could hear all this going on out in the living room
from my room with the door closed and while I was online.
Frankie thinks I'm bipolar and I think she is too. Because
have you ever been kept wake all night by little sounds that
your mind somehow magnified? I can be kept up all night by
the buzzing sound of my clock and I've asked other people
if they could hear it and putting their ears up to it
nobody could. I am constantly kept awake by the
refridgerator sounds all the way from the kitchen and my
neighbors air conditioning system all night sometimes. Just
the other night I was lieing in bed awake listening to all
the sounds at once and then suddenly the neighbor's air
conditioning system went off and I sat straight up and
almost screamed. It was just the opposite of being startled by a
really loud noise, but it had the same effect on me. I think that if
you went into a room of testing children and bounced a ball exactly
every three seconds until they got accustomed to the sound it
made and then one time stop it... all the kids would jump.
It's also wiered becuase I've lived in this house all my
life and in the middle of the night, if the dog rolls over,
I'll sit up in perfect scilence, not even breathing for
about a minute and make sure it's not followed by any other
noises. No one in this house can get up without me knowing,
but during the day, it's like all these sounds are blocked
out of my head, and my keen sence of hearing that can drive
me crazy becomes terrible so that I usually have to ask
people to repeat themselves several times on the phone.
Frankie thinks I'm a freak because at sleepovers I will stop
her in the middle of her sentence and listen for about 10
sconds and I can tell her who's up, where they're going,
and what they're going to do. I know what the door knob of
my parents door sounds like when it's being turned and
opened and I what my brother's door sounds like. And I can
classify everyone in my houses footsteps so if I hear my
parents door knob and my mom's steps I know she's coming to
check on me and my brother or going to the kitchen from
both the speed of her steps and which side of the house I
hear them from. But anyway, from hearing what my dad had
said I walked into the living room and graciously thanked
him for his comment. My mom tried to cover for him by
saying that they weren't talking about me like she always
does. I called her on it and asked her that if she wasn't
talking about me then who was she talking about with busses
and lieing? And then I got really pissed off that she had
read my convorsation. She once again tried to bullshit me
by saying that, "Dad overheard our convorsation." I called
her on it again, "Oh really? Well I find that quite
interesting, seeing as how you and I said absolutely
nothing about busses." Then she tried to come back
with, "Well you know what we're your parents and it's our
job to monitor you!" It pissed me off so much that she had
said that. She didn't even give it a second thought that
she had just lied to me to my face twice in a row without
blinking, and then she comes up with another excuse. I mean
honestly though, she just lied to her own daughter to save
her ass twice, and I'm not goign to lie to myself and say
that I never lie to her because I do every day, but we
always had an unspoken rule... or at least I thought we
did, but I know she lies to me all the time and I lie to
her too, but I have never done something she specified that
there was no way that she wanted me to do it and was
serious. It's a lot different to me to just not tell
someone about something or just lie to her, but if she
tells me that she absolutely does not want me doing
something and is sincere about it, then I wont go behind
her back and do it. Sure it pisses me off and ruins my day
but i respect that. And I've told her hundreds of times that by no
means do I want her reading my convorsations and she always says that
she's not or she wont. But aparently, "Don't worry I wont I
promise!" means shit in this family. But anyway, after
turning one simple incedent into a huge ordeal I got my
shoes and started leaving to walk to Leana's. On the way
out I was stopped by my mother who in a bitchy voice
decided that she wasn't finished yelling at me and decided
to attack me about a "trust issue" which totally set me
off. I looked her in the eye and said, "You know what Mom?
Don't even get me started on a trust issue when 3 minutes
ago, you just lied to me twice in a row to try to save your
ass which you quite obviously didn't have a problem with.
And do you know why I let you stand behind me? Because I
trusted you enough not to read my convorsation, but I know
now that the trust is not reciprical seeing as how you
don't trust me enough not to read my convorsations and then
I left for Frankie's. After I'd been there for a
couple of hours my mom called and apoligized... which is
really wiered of her because she never EVER apoligizes for
anything even if it is entirely her fault, so frankly it
was more creepy than caring. I didn't even though she knew
how to apoligize for things, but hey there's a first time
for everything right? And then she invited Frankie to spend
the night even though my mom hates her. We talked in my room for a
really long time and made up freaks and though about how they would
go about living their lives. We made up backwards girl, a girl who
had hips that were backwards so that her knee caps faced
the opposite direction of her face, and her ass was in
place of her pussy and vice-versa, was russian, her right
leg spasms around because she has no control over it, talks
with a slur, and half of her face is burned off by acid. We
also invented Leg boy who had one leg in the center of
where his legs should be and the other leg came out of the
center of his back so he was constantly in a back bend to
stand, had his cock growing out of his
ass, was a hick, had a mullet, and incest... enough said.
We laughed about it until I got the urge to write on my
wall so I pulled a poem written on a piece of paper off to
write it on my wall in "Sharpie" and under it. This is what
the poem I wrote said...

The blood of three hearts on my wall,
dripping to the floor.
The river flows, the puddle grows,
underneath my bedroom door.

Pierced through the middle is a spear,
that’s made the hearts grow weak.
My fear has risen ever more,
so that I cannot speak.

And when I come to wake again,
the hearts are never there.
And then I have to fake again,
but nothing can prepare.

For what I have to face again,
each night as I come home.
I draw the curtains shut again,
and lay in bed alone.

For when I close my eyes,
I know I can’t ignore.
The blood of three hearts on my wall,
dripping to the floor.

And when I pulled the paper off underneath on the wall
someone had written, "You are going to go to hell." I was
so offended and piised off. I wanted to find the fucker who
wrote it and tell them, "Well you know what you piece of
shit? That's not a very good threat seeing as how i don't
believe in hell! So why don't you get your head out of your
ass and stay the hell out of my room!" It made me so mad I
started yelling uncontrolably. Not so much about what it
said but by the fact that this fucker wrote on my wall. I
felt like they depurified something that was mine. My wall
is my way of expressing myself. It's MINE and I couldn't
believe that someone had done that. And then for some
reason that I don't even understand anymore I let Frankie
write on my wall and I feel like a stupid fuckhead for it!
But I know that her parents would never let her write on
her walls so I'll just let her have that one corner of my
room that I'm never going to use anyway. But anyway... I
went into my brother's room and I demanded to know if he
had written it. He said no and he looked so sincere that I
wouldn't have doubted him for a second. After that I
immidiatly assumed that it was Kenny because he's so fucking
Christian that it probobly annoys Jesus himself! And if it wasn't one
of them, then it wasn't there at all. My brother then
claimed that it was him AFTER I had assumed it was Kenny
which really pissed me off and just this morning he pulled
me aside and told me just as sincerely as he had denied it,
that it was in fact him. This confused me so damn much
becuase I don't know what the hell to believe. Why should I
believe anything my family says? They're all fucking liers.
It's like I'm living in a house full of people with so many
sides and that are so colorful it's as if I don't even know
them. Once again I'm going to be forced to rely on my
friends for everything...

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