Am I insane? Or just surrounded?
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2002-08-09 04:19:19 (UTC)

July 10, 2002

Yesterday my mom took me out shopping for dresses. She was
being really nice for some reason. I bought three new
dresses they were so pretty. I love them all except this
kind of ugly one my mom made me get but ehhhh... i got this
all out prom dress. It's like a little checker board design
but the squares are bigger and they're white and black and
it's a tube top that kind of poofs out at the waste. (it
looks so cute on me). After that i went to "Boomers"
with Stacy. We went on the bumper boats like six times and
these like seniors kept spraying water all over my white
shirt. And my black bra was so obviouse for like the rest
of the day after that... kinda weired. when i got home Kenny
was there. It was weired because i wasn't embarassed of my
shirt being see-through until he saw it. My face turned
like bright red and i ran to my room to change. I feel so
different around him i just don't get it. I used to like
him so much and now i guess he's just my friend but I'm so
attracted to him. It's kind of weired, I never want to make
out with him or anything like that it's not that kind of
attraction. There's just something about him that when i
see him i wish he was holding me. I feel so safe around
him. Maybe it's his cologne... i don't know. And i always
get jealouse when i find out he's going out with one of my
friends. He's liked or gone out with all of my friends
except me. I know becuase he tells me like a lot about
what's going on in his life. I don't know what that means.
I think it means that he just doesn't see me as someone to
like... but he always sends me mixed messages that i don't
know how I'm supposed to read. Like he always let's me sit
on him and rub his head and he always comes to hang out
with me. Well anyway Kenny ended out spending the night at my
house. I played computer games with him for a while and I
was leaning on his shoulder the whole time. We all went
back to my room to play cards but Dan was getting tired so
they went into the living room and to sleep and Kenny
motioned for me to go with them I lied on the mattress with Kenny and
I used his legs as a pillow and we talked for a while until Dan told
me to leave because he wanted to go to sleep. Kenny said, "Well
then I'll go with her because I'm not tired." But then Dan
had to ruin it for me by protesting that my parents might
wake up and find us alone together. So I went to my room
and talked to Matt online for a wile until like one in the
morning. Then I went back out and found Kenny sitting behind
the dining room table by the windows because he was hot. So
i sat with him and we talked and then decided to move to
the other room. We started out both sitting on the floor,
to Kenny on the couch and me on the floor, to both of us on
the couch together. I lied on Kenny and put my head on his
shoulder and his hand was on my leg and we just sat and
talked like that for an hour or so and then i got up to go
to the bathroom and i woke my parents up when I turned on the water.
Then they made sure i went to bed. and I never went
back out to talk to Kenny. I felt
really bad. I wonder what would have happened if i had. We
would have probobly talked about nothing for another few
hours until we got caught awake by my parents... that could
have been really bad. I always feel some sexual tension
when I'm with him. Maybe this whole thing is because he was
my first kiss. I don't think it really counts because it
was a dare but HE dared me to kiss HIM. It was kind of
akward but oh well. i don't know whether to let myself like
him again or not. If i do it will probobly turn out just
like it did last time. I will end up liking him for a year
and a half all for nothing. I doubt he'll ever like as more
than a friend and we'll just keep playing our little flirty
games for the rest of our lives. Maybe one of the reasons
it's so akward is because he's my brother's best friend. I
mean i wouldn't want to go out with my best friend's
brother nomatter how much I liked him y'know? Whatever.
It's just too hard. Im worried though, that he is going to
be friends with all those preppy people when we get to Highschool.
I really don't want to lose him as a friend but I don't
know what our situation will be at Highschool. He might think
I'm a complete dork. I hope not... i wonder if that's what
he thinks about me? But he should know that I'm not too
great at making friends. Especially popular guys. So I bet
he's not too worried. Well I'm going to go blow dry my hair.
Well so much for Kenny. I guess we really did have nothing.
Tonight Stacy came over and we walked to Kenny's house. It's
Wednesday so the "Youth Group" was over and i didn't want
to go in because i quit the Youth Group a long time ago
when i decided that Christianity was a load of crap. But
she insisted that we go in and ask for cookie mix so we
did. I felt like everyone looked at me funny. And when we
found Kenny he was acting kind of wiered. He was sort of
acting like he wanted us to leave. So we did and we walked
down to Del Taco and got food. When we came back we went
back and hung out with the Youth Group for a whie. I have
known Kenny since 6th grade and if there's one thing i know
about him it's when he wants to hook up with people and he
really wanted to hook up with Stacy. I can tell by just the
way he acts around people when he likes them. Kenny and I
have this wiered language we use where we can read
eachother's lips and facial expressions. So I just looked
over and "asked" him if he liked Stacy. We were in a group
of people (including Stacy) and no one could understand
what we were saying but the two of us. He told me he did
with his face. I knew it. And i knew that she liked him for
about a month even though she hasn't seen him since they
broke up last which was like in the middle of the school
year. I don't think Stacy actually likes people, i just
think she doesn't like not going out with anybody. So
whatever. I made it my job to hook them up. I don't know
why i insist on putting myself through so much pain. I knew
it was a mistake to start to like him. I guess he'll never
see me anyother way. So whatever. It's really not worth it
to me to try anymore. So they are now aware that one likes
the other so I guess i'll just see where they go with this.
I kind of miss the Youth Group. I miss belonging somewhere.
I know i don't have a place at my house. I mean i know my
parents love me and all, but sometimes I wonder whether my
mom loves me because of me, or whether she just loves me
becuase she has to... I never feel like I can be myself in my house
or anywhere for that matter. Truth be told i don't even know who I
am. And i torture myself because of it. I get scared to be alone with
myself because i hate what I'm going to see. What my mind
is going to make me realize. How many more ways I'm going
to discover that i hate myself for. I know that i have
never been myself. Even with Frankie i don't feel like i can be
myself, and she's the best friend i have ever had. It's
like something that lives inside me, and when i think i'm
happy with things, I always know it wont be for long. It's
like i have another side to myself which i've managed to
hide from everyone but when i'm alone i can't hide it from
myself. And it just sets me spinning into this depresion
that i know I can't get out of. Maybe it's that i haven't
slept in two days. I take sleeping pills but they don't
work at all. Is there something about me that is
so unlikeable? Sometimes i wonder if
people can tell I'm fake... I doubt it though. I've been
fooling everyone for years. I think i started compromising
myself in fifth grade, when i felt that who i was wasn't
acceptable. I've been living my life for everyone else for
so long i don't know how to change it back. And i think i'm
kind of scared at what other people are going to think but
then again I've always been like that so whatever. I'm
getting sick of pretending to be happy. Frankie's mad at me
and you know what it's the first time that i don't really
give a damn. I'm sick of all this crap and I'm sick of
living with myself this way. I wish I could change myself
so much but I'm so used to living the way I do it's so
hard. And i don't know if i can. It's not like "Oh I can't
it's too hard," It's more like I don't remember who I am
anymore so it would be kind of hard to change myself back.
So maybe I'll just work on somebody new...

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