Am I insane? Or just surrounded?
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July 6, 2002- First Entry
I'm so bored. Jesus i hate my parents. They're such idiots.
I have the earliest curfew of all my friends combined (if
that's even possible) and it pisses everyone off. I want to
kill them sometimes and i don't know what's stopping me. I
think i have a thing for Kenny again. It's really wiered
because i know that he just see's me as a friend. He can
piss me off more than anyone in the world sometimes but
other times i feel like we connect really well. I don't
know i think i piss him off a lot too and i don't know if
he feels the connection like i do y'know? It's just kind of
wiered i guess. I think i know what Janet was talking about
at the end of the school year field trip to knott's berry
farm. She had mentioned that she was getting sick of
Kathy. I don't know why but i think i'm kinda feeling like
that too. Not with Frankie (female) but with everyone. They have just
all been getting on my nerves lately. I'm not quite sure
why but i just want to slap everyone for being stupid.
Tomorrow's my birthday and i really wanted
to go to the spectrum with my friends tonight becuase i'm
not going to get to have a party. And of course my parents
said i couldn't go. I got so pissed off. supposedly "14
is too young to be walking around at the spectrum." Once
again i felt left out although Frankie and Kathy didn't go
and decided to stay with me instead becuase they are such
sweet friends. But this pissed me off so much especially
after mom had told me that if i brought up my grades i
could have a later curfew which i really needed seeing as
how mine is like 9:00... quite literally actually...
anyways i got the grades, i brought them all up, (even got
an "A" in Humanities) and they're all like "uhhhh... what
deal?" Ugh i want to kill them. Well tonight was going to
be my "party" (in other words my grandma and grandpa and
there boyfriend and girlfriend came over and sat and played
bridge with my parents... fun huh?) but i really wanted to
go out with my friends and mom overly loudly turned me down
so our guests would think, "wow! what a good parent!" and
shood me back to my room. At my own party. She told me that
i didn't have to eat with them either all she said was that
i had to "make an appearence" and then i could do whatever.
So instead i ended up putting on my shoes and walking out
the door. My dad chased me down and forced me to come back
and blow out the candles on the cake i asked them not to
get and open a present i asked them not to give me. It's so
hard to get through to them. So i smiled blew and opened
all in a period of about 45 seconds and ran out the door.
Grandma gave me an ugly japanese robe. I think i'll burn
it. So i walked all the way down to Kathy's and from there
we went to Frankie's. We sat on her roof for a while talking
and setting off these little poppy things from the 4th of
July and then we got down. Stephanie (Frankie's sister) told
me that Paul (some guy that she is intimate with but
supposedly doesn't like... i don't believe her) said that
next time he came over Frankie and i could smoke out with
them. I'm so happy I'm getting drugs that i most obviously need. SO
anyways after that we ate and walked over to the pool where they were
having some big mexican party. We hopped the gate and decided to jump
in in our bra's and underwear agian like at Kathy's party. afterwards
we put our wet stuff in the dryer and sat around with
Stephanie bored to death watching Mtv in the living room.
Later my parents had come to pick me up. They aparently
called to check on me like the pussy's they are and no one
picked up so they rushed over to Frankie's in a pannic.
*rolls eyes* freaks. so i went home early and sat around
writing this. I need to brush my teeth, but Dan (my brother) wont get
out of the shower. He wants to go to some water park with
the church tomorrow on my birthday. Of course he's selfish
and said why don't you come too for your birthday party. I
said, "hmmm let me see, maybe it's becuase i'm not
christian, i don't have any friends in this 'youth group'
of yours and becuase i would rather have gum surgery than
sit for like 4 hours in the car to listen to some freak try
to convince me to go to church and love jesus." it's really
annoying. I feel like everywhere i go someone is trying to
convert me. Even if they're not i still feel kind of left
out. those youth groups are just trying to appeal to young
kids saying "hey we go to water parks and such! become
christian and you can too!" I'm trying not to just become a
certain religeon because they get to do fun things you
know? and i just don't believe that god is simply the
answer. I think that these people are thinking too small. I
think there's something much bigger than heaven going on.
You know? like maybe reincarnation, i'm not sure yet but i
know that i'm not going to buy into the first thing that
comes a long. i guess it's all kind of stupid. Dan can go
if he wants. He completely ruined my last birthday, until i
just left the party and walked down the street bawling. He
can be such a little prick sometimes. I might start likeing
Lance again too which i know is just trouble. He likes
someone i know is not me and wont tell me who it is. I feel
like i haven't really liked anyone or have been attracted
to anyone in a really long time. I'm really attracted to
George but that's no good becuase Frankie "loves" him
supposedly even though she's going out with someone else.
It's kind of wiered with her. I guess she just has a
problem with commitment. She told George that she loved him
while she was going out with jon and then 2 days later got
asked out by cory (some guy she met at the spectrum) and
said yes. i don't know how she can balance so many guys.
Now she's going out with Luke (sophmore) and Matt (also
sophmore) desperatly wants her. It's kind of confusing when
you think about it. Well anyways i'm going to fall asleep
now it's getting late. I just hope that my birthday doesn't
turn out as shitty as all the other's.