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2002-08-08 21:55:52 (UTC)

Many Moods and Info

Nothing in the least bit profound today, unfortunately. It's just
been one of those mornings. Nothing seems to come together, and all I
want is for everything to just fit, to click into place, but it
doesn't seem to be happening.
I am so confused right now. I guess, since I'm a teen, I'm SUPPOSED
to feel that way, but...it's just so hard. There is just so much shit
going on at once, I feel like I just need someone to help me keep my
feet on the ground before I fall into the sky and lose everything
that was ever dear to me.
I need a friend, is what I need. Ha, good luck with that, Em. I'm
such a good friend, when I want to be. I just don't understand why
nobody (with the exception of Tom, my adoptive father, and Katie and
Komal who would get mad if I didn't say they were exceptions) cares
about me. I don't know, maybe it's the way I act, but sometimes I
feel like I give, and I give, and give, and get nothing back in
return. Maybe I'm just paranoid. That's probably it. Paranoia.
Sometimes I think about it too much. Then I begin to think, "Who am
I to ask such questions? Just accept reality and move on with your
crappy life. They probably don't care because you don't deserve to be
cared for. Idiot."
Ah, well, just one of my worst days. I have many different moods.
One where I'm happy and I shine brilliantly, and I deny all my
problems to anyone who asks. I love when I'm in that mood. It's like
nothing can penetrate me. I might even delete an entry or two in this
diary when I'm in that mood, because I just won't let anything in the
least bit dark show through.
Then there's my darker days. I'm either sad, or angry, or furious,
or just plain depressed. I don't stand up quite straight, my
shoulders are haunched, and no one can get through to me. I speak in
whispers,and my eyes become clouded and foggy. I know, because I've
looked in the mirror.
Right now, I'm kind of half and half. I'm just waiting for this
ferocious headache to go away. Don't think I'm moody or
anything...oh, dammit, that's how I come off, isn't it?
No,it's not like that, it's just...I have clinical depression (like
so many of my friends these days) and I have my highs and lows.
Otherwise, my personality is Little Miss Cheerful.
I wish I had something witty to say. *sigh* ah well.
Perhaps more deep and intellectual things to say tomorrow.


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