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Until Chris, I think that I have used sex as a substitute
for attention. Which is not good at all. And I'm upset
about it. That I let myself go down that path. It wasn't
fun, it wasn't very good, and I got no enjoyment
whatsoever. It was just that somebody wanted me. That was
it. I didn't like, or even care about the other person. I
was just trying to fill this empty hole in my heart. But
the hole is square, and the sex is the round peg. It ain't
Back in January, there are a couple of vague journal
entries where I'm very upset. I've been reading over my
diary and seeing where I was mentally at certain times and
so on. Well, I went to a guy's house specifically to sleep
with him. That was the only reason. And as I was laying
there, my mind was screaming at me to stop and get up.
Don't get me wrong, I went of my own accord, and was given
every opportunity to say no, or stop, or whatever. But I
didn't. I was hoping it would be different somehow. It
wasn't. And something popped. I had to leave. I wasn't
supposed to be where I was, and I couldn't stand it
anymore. I got up and got dressed and left. That was that.
I barely knew the guy.
But I thank him. First of all, for being a gentleman and
very kind and understanding. Secondly, because he reminded
me that you can't subsitute one thing for another. It just
will not work.
I've felt this way for awhile, and decided that since I
was revealing stuff, I might as well go all out and purge
my soul. Why not, I have nothing else better to do.