sugar

Great Abz
2002-08-08 05:31:16 (UTC)

not dead yet

i feel shaky still, but somewhat peaceful. i went for a
walk with my
mom and she convinced me to take the anti-deppresants, but
i haven't
yet. i have always been resistant to the idea of
medicating oneself
in that way. because i believe that emotions are necessary
for
motivation to make good decisions. we are guided by our
decisions,
and motivated by our emotions. like, if you never felt a
pain when
you're hand touched a hot iron, what would be your
motivation to
move your hand? if you couldn't feel the burning
sensation,
you would let your hand burn clean off! so yah, i have
been
very hesitant to alter my brain's chemical functioning,
because i don't want to take away feelings that god can
use
to motivate me.

BUT. at this point, i am NO good to anyone if i stay in
this funk. i would rather be happy and unmotivated, then a
gaunt little stormcloud that hibernates in her room. so i
took my first pill tonight... i hope it won't take months
and months to tell a difference.

in case anyone i know personally is reading this, i just
wanted to let you all know that i am feeling better and i
am not crying into towels anymore! god has given me
some "peace that transcends all understanding." at least
for today. every now and then terror will sweep over me in
a wave, again, but i seem to be able to shake it off
somewhat successfully. i used to think that i needed to
pay attention to that terror, and respect it, because i
need to be warned and aware of the monster inside me. but
really, i am so freaking scared of that monster that i
just need to escape thinking about it when i get the
chance to. and eventually, i will starve him out of me.
listen to me! i sound like i have multiple personalities
or possesion or something. well i don't. but sometimes i
really do feel either like 2 different people or like i am
fighting satan on an almost conversational level.

alright, i am hoping that now i can sort of move on and
have some more interesting things to write, that are more
encouraging to others. here are a few quotes to start:
"In the depth of winter, i finally learned that within me
there lay an invincible summer." -albert camus
and finally, my all time favorite promise from the bible:
"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I
will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from
me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find
rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is
light."-mister jesus (reference is matt. 11:28-30)

there is so much stuff in the bible that encourages me so
much! and i love so many books so much that i could never
quote enough to share what these words mean to me. i am
going to start journaling seperate entires with me
favorite quotes for seperate books just to fit some of
them in. here is that verse i was telling you about in my
last entry, "abi's inferno." the one about god speaking to
us in our sleep. It's found in Job 33:14-18

"For God DOES speak - now one way, now another - though
man may not percieve it. In a dream, in a vision of the
night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in
there beds, he may speak in there ears and terrify them
with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him
from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life
from perishing by the sword."

So for those of you who think god never speaks to people,
listen at night. think about your dreams... the part where
god "speaks in their ears and terrifies tham with
warnings" happens to me ALL the time. well that's enough
for tonight.

xoxo abi




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