Reality Check
2001-07-09 22:07:08 (UTC)


A lot has gone on since I last wrote. I guess I'll start
out with the fact that I broke up with Robert and I'm going
back out with Daniel. I'm really happy now. When I'm with
him....it's like nothing else matters. Usually I'm haunted
by memories of the past when I'm with my boyfriends. I don't
know... it's just usually whenever I have a boyfriend and he
touches me, my mind is flooded of thoughts of when I was
molested, and then a new rain of thoughts of when I was
raped appear...and I just run away. I don't think about
those things with Daniel. And when I do....he alway has a
kiss for me that pushes them away. I love him. And that's
why I decided to have sex with him. And that's what we did
today. It was wonderful. And I am so happy right now yes so
tore up inside. Now I feel that I absolutely have to tell
him about being raped. I don't want to hide it from him,
because he needs to know why I occassionally get upset. And
I am so scared to tell him. What if he gets scared to touch
me or something? What if it scares him off? I don't want to
lose him. But I feel he should know, you know? (If anybody
even reads this things, please email me and tell me what you
think at [email protected])
I went to Garry's this weekend. Tiffany came with me. They
made out in his room while I was supposedly asleep. I'm not
going to tell Jill, his girlfriend, but I do feel that is
wrong. I love Jill to death...she is like a sister to me. We
tell each other everything. It's hard for all three of us
because Jill and Garry don't get to see me much since I live
so far away. Garry loves her. He would give her the world,
and she would do the same for her. But at the same time he
pulls shit like cheating on her. Jill told me her mom
doesn't like her to be with Garry anymore. Her parents have
a lot of friends that are in the legal system, and they
recognized Garry from seeing him in court, so of course her
mom found out that he was occused of molesting Collin. I
know he didn't do it because I know my brother. Jill knows
he didn't do it cause she believes in him. But he's on
prohibation for it, which means they couldn't prove he was
guilty, but they couldn't prove he was innocent either. And
then her mom walked in on them when they were messin around
and that didn't help the situation that much. I know what
it's like to have parents not agree to a relationship with
someone in which you're in love with. It hurts. And it makes
the time you spend with that person so painful. She asked me
for advice on what to do about her mom, and all I could tell
her was that keep the "messin around" on the downlow when
her mom's there, and to just let him spend more time over
there so her mom can learn to trust him more. What's wierd
is even though Jill's 2 years older than me, I'm the one
giving advice. But she helps me out too.
Anyways, I have to go now. I have to make Tiffany's
maceroni and cheese since she's so helpless....haha.