browneyedgirl

Seeing is Believing Is Seeing Believing?

Dear A,

What do you want me to say to you A?

How can i tell u that the reason i dont come around anymore
is because i cannot bear to see J?

How can i tell u that the reason i quit my job was to avoid
seeing J everyday and getting to know him better than you
do?

How can i tell u that the fact that i got along better with
him and understood him better than u do and that that
scared the crap out of me is the reason that i dont come
around anymore.

Do you want me to tell u that i have always felt something
for him? Before you even were with him. Do you want me to
tell you that i felt a connection to him from the very
first day i saw him?

You know me, you know that i dont buy into this bullshit.
You know i dont believe in connections or fate or soul
mates. the word makes my skin crawl.

So how do i explain what i feel about your J? I dont even
want to think about feeling anything for him. I dont want
to know about it. Its just there and i dont like it.

Should i tell you that it got that much harder when i began
to see that he saw. not only did he see but he saw me. Did
i find it ridiculous when i realised that perhaps i wasnt
alone in this stupid seeing and liking and wanting and
knowing and realising? Yes i did. I found it ridiculous and
wrong. I can assure you nothing happenend. Unless you count
looking and blushing as something. See i did. thats why i
dont come round no more. But u want me to come round. So i
will because i dont want to confuse u or hurt u. But im
very uncomfortable. and thats what makes it wrong for me.
if it was just me that would be fine. hey im pretty fucked
up - i could just write J off and these dumb sightings
(thats what they are just the occassional look - calling
them sightings makes me feel better) as me feeling some
fucked up shit thats not even relevant in the smallest way
possible. But its not just me. Nothing said or acknowledged
except for on every fucken level i just know. so i'll come
and i will be uncomfortable and i will be loyal but i dont
want to want what i should not want and being human and
being alive and having a fucking brain and seeing someone,
really seeing them is really hard sometimes.