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2002-08-07 02:48:50 (UTC)

Jealousy is so Useless

It's too long a story to explain why I was jealous the
other day. Actually, it's not that long, I just don't feel
like reliving the moments. Plus, I'm downright lazy!

But the other day, I was just so insanely jealous and I
cried myself to sleep and it was all terrible! I couldn't
sleep or anything. I felt like a piece of wasted flesh!
Mmkay, enough of wallowing in my own self pity! I had to
pull myself together! What is being jealous going to get

I'm reminded of a poem at the moment. It speaks of a
rose representing true love and how this rose is cast upon
the sea. "If this true love is meant to be yours, it will
float back to you as you stand upon shore." That's just
beautiful. So I say to myself, there's no reason to be
jealous! If something is meant to be yours, nothing can
take it away. NOTHING! And that's the goshdarn truth.

So I read my bible the next day; read a few passages
about jealousy and all. I got happy in no time! Man, the
bible has some good stuff. Especially Romans and
Corinthians! Phew! But anyways, no sooner did I read the
bible, then I was singing and dancing like a mad woman! It
was great!

Later in the night, I told Marcus of how I had been
jealous and all that mojo and he said sorry in a really
sweet way. I still get that jibe that he doesn't like me
though. I'm not sure what it is. You know when you just
get that feeling that someone else doesnt like you? Mmkay,
sometimes, it's just paranoia, I know. Like, when you are
head over heels for someone, you're endlessly doubting the
possibility that they could like you back.

But this is different. I mean, we flirt as if there's no
tomorrow, but we're definitely never going out. Yep. I'm
just another chick for him to hang out with
and 'experiment' with. Well, ya know what? I'm tired of
that crap! I am not a lab rat to be manipulated into doing
things! I am so tired of it.

So I figure, maybe if I start calling him as often as I
do, the feelings would go away. So far, so good. I didn't
have any erotic thoughts of him today! Only friendly ones,
thoughts I could have had about any of my friends! Ya see,
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I beg to
differ. My friend Raymond Warner moved to California a
year ago and I love him more and more each day- now that
upholds that common quote. However, concerning Marcus,
when I'm away from him, I am able to think of other more
important things.

Such as how I can bring him to God. I can't remember
whether I told you he's agnositc or not. Well, he is.
Doesn't believe in God, or to make it more specific, he
is 'uncertain'. Hey, I respect that, but being a
christian, I feel it is my duty to share my faith! So I
pray for him twice a day, ya know, the whole bit. It's
absolute madness!

For all my fellow christians out there, never fall for
someone you are trying to convert. The pain you will feel
from ministering will only hurt twice as much, and
eventually you will have to sacrifice your feelings in
order to talk to God with the person. Trust me, I'm going
through it now.

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