witchprod

sunshine, oh why?
2002-08-06 19:36:46 (UTC)

my family tree is a crab-apple tree, and i am the orange

the desk of love is done. it looks like crap sort of, i
missed 2 sides that i was sapposed to paint after we sanded
but it was hard to tell. so its all together and joe is at
home right now using it for the first time (im jealous) i
want it! and i really need to fix it, its a complete mess
and everything that i had in my living room is on there
now, without any order, so that needs help. im actually
working today, which is such a first, concidering how lazy
i have been these past few days. i have so much shit to do
at HOME forget about work. its a full time job keeping up
with that shit apartment, and now that joe is there every
day it doesnt help, even though he is really neat and
doesnt fuck with anything at all. amazingly he will use one
glass for the entire day and not get another one, sometimes
more than a day. he's adopted my blue beer glass, (the one
i stole from a bar in ny cause i liked the color) and he
uses it all the time. im starting to notice these little
habits about him. just little things, nothing major, but
you would have to live with them to realize. he's like me
with the i hate cleaning shit, but he will clean stuff and
help me out if i ask him to, even sometimes when i dont ask
him to, he helps me. i love that. i could sit here all day
and write about joe but im not going to. i have done that
so many times already, and all that does for me is make me
want to go home from work early or call up my parents and
brag about how ausome he is. no actually i wanna call my
sister and rub it in her face that i got such a great guy
who is perfect for me, and well... i dont want to say, if
my mother reads this ever she would be mad that i think so
harshly of my sister, but thats just the way it is, it has
always been that way. so here i go... it all comes out
about the people in my family, you can see the people i
like right off the bat, and the people i dont like, well
you probably already know those people but ill do it anyway.
so i can say that my family is like a crab-apple tree cause
that tree looks like its a nice cherri tree, but if you
were to bite into one it tastes like a really sour nasty
apple or something. i know cause in ny there was that tree
on the side of my old house, it would bloom every other
year, which i found strange, and now its so fucked up that
half the tree blooms sometimes, and at random months too,
its schedule is all fucked up now. kinda like my family, it
seemed normal for a long time but now all the shit is
coming out and we are all slowly starting to realize what
is so wrong with it... everything. its fuckin sugar coated
but if you look into its past and what really goes on, its
far from normal. its fake. oh wait, fake is concidered
normal in ny. anyway, there are some members of the family,
and i am one of them, who can see this, and are basically
not even part of it anymore. its so sad. the tree is going
to stop growing soon because no one else is going to
continue the name, there are only maby 2 chances for that,
no wait 1, and i dont know if he is going have kids or even
get married. the name has died after that, becasue my
emediate family had all girls, on my dads side there was
only 2 guys and only one of those had a boy. so you see
whats happening. i cant even continue it. cool well at
least there will never be another person with the same name
as mine.
THE FOLKS ON MY DAD'S SIDE
see the people on this side of the family (the puerto
ricans, and some other shit) are very un-family orientated,
in my oppinion, no one talks unless its for a wedding or
something along those lines. maby they do, but i sure dont.
no one knows who the hell they are, becasue my grandparents
didnt really keep records of that, and my dad and his
sister had the wrong birthdays up untill they both got
married and saw there birth certificates were something
totaly different. so im finding out now more and more about
who the hell they all are, and what i am to be exact. i've
asked my grandmother what i am and i get many new answers
every time i talk to her. found out a few months ago that
im also french, german, and italian. haha. my mother told
me not to listen to her though cause she doesnt thing that
is true. i think it is, why would she make that up? this
side has also had many problems, with addicions which i
also recently discovered. i think every member of my family
has smoked cigarettes at one point, none do now but they
did, and regularly. one of my uncles had some drug problems
that im not about to go into, but that pissed me off for
many reasons during that time. he's fine now too. there has
been quarels among my dad's sisters and their families, and
i think they are finally starting to talk again. not quite
sure though cause no one tells me shit, they dont think i
care, and i do. i doubt anyone in my family has the
slightest clue about me, they like to keep their business
private and no one is aloud to konw that we have problems.
but thats stupid to me. we all have serious problems, but
its all kept quiet, i dont get it, it might as well all be
known, we all know secretly what goes on so whats the point
of hiding anything? oh yeah, we're pretending to be
perfect, cant let the outside world know that we are humans
in any way.
MY DAD
i honestly love my dad, its a weird thing though cause i
dditn really know my dad till recently when i was working
with him in ny. that was when me and my dad got really
close, i really never knew him before that, i would usually
go to my mom with everything, and he would hear bits and
peices after they have been totally switched and
manipulated, and thats how he knew me. he was just there,
and i never thought about him much at all. i loved him but
it was far from what it is now. me and my dad got even
closer when i moved away, which i find really weird,
shouldnt it be the opposite? well i talk to my dad more
often that i talk to my mom, cause mom doesnt use the comp
and me and dad im each other all the time. he doesnt
overreact as much as my mom does, i think he understands me
better than my mom does at this point. i would rather talk
to him than my mom, cause she's a different story. my dad
believes me that i will pay them back one day and that i am
working really hard here to make it in music and to just
survive all together. he doesnt get mad when i tell him
that i need more money for food or gas or cigarettes, he
understands. its not like i squander my money on shit i
dont need, and he knows that. its really hard to live on my
own, and i guess my dad would be the only one who would be
able to grasp that, concidering he is working to sapport my
family and he has done that since the beginning. he knows
where i stand, and my mother will never get it. i cried
when i said bye to my dad when he was in florida. he really
cares about me and is concerned, he would do anything for
me if i asked. he just wants me to be happy and thats all
that matters, damn i think im gonna cry now. he's a good
man.
GRANDPA ALDAHONDO
yeah this should brighten the mood right up. i miss my
grandpa a lot, and it makes me sick to think no one else
really does cause he was old, well i dont care what age he
was when he died, he wasnt ready to go. he was really the
only person in my family who made me think that the whole
basis of my family started with him, and that was a good
thing. he was also a really great man. i didnt really get a
good chance to get to know him, but i had some sort of bond
with him. things im finding out now about him, make me
thing that me and him would have probably gotten along
really well. he lived a really full life, and made a lot of
people really happy. he took care of my grandma when she
was sick, and he cooked and cleaned and raised quite a big
family, 5 kids i think. there was just something about him,
that when you were around him you were just happy. you
couldnt be upset around him because it was like he made
everything seem like life is good. he was so possitive, and
happy to be alive. when i found out he died, i was
crushed.i was barely prepared for that, because he had ALS
and he started going faster and faster. no one could
understand why it hit me so badly, but it did. every chance
i got after that i would visit him at the cemetery, and
give him flowers and leave him presents and stuff. i would
stay there for hours on end. no one in my family would do
that, not even my grandma. it makes me feel so much better
when i go there, even though the last time i was there,
(the day before i moved to florida) i was bitten by a tick.
im ok though it wasnt a bad tick. lol. i didnt know that
after i was there, my mom, my grandma and my aunt went
there, and saw that i left him a cigarette and some purple
flowers, they found that amuzing, what? its not like he can
get lung poisoning now! smoke up and enjoy! those purple
flowers though, i bought fake ones when i got to florida
and put them in my room. just a little reminder of him, and
that there is someone in my family that is trully good, in
every way. im happy that he started it.
GRANDMA ALDAHONDO
she has some strange connection with me that no one else in
the family has. she has told my mother that she has had
dreams about me and my grandpa. she was really upset when i
left to move to florida, but shortly after she moved down
here too, but now she's gonna be here for a while cause she
fractured her hip and broke her shoulder and wrist from
falling. so she's suck here in florida and i still havent
visited her, i really should, i feel bad. when i saw her at
my cousins wedding about a month ago, she got all teary
eyed when she saw me and was so happy. i barely see her
like that with anyone else. she gives lots of people in my
family shit, but she has never EVER said anything bad to me
or even to anyone else about me. for a while i thought that
was a bad thing, but it was actally a good thing. she had
nothing bad to say about me. even after she heard me and my
parents fighting all the time and me yelling and cursing
all the time, she still thought there was nothing wrong
with me. every time i would dye my hair some freaky color
she would come up to me and say "ah alexi, so beautiful!"
she never called me alexis for some reason, she just liked
to leave out the s cause she's lazy lol. its cute though, i
like the way she talks, even though most of the time its in
spanish cause its easyer for her. she understands and can
speak english perfectly fine but its her language so she
has a think accent and is hard to understand. i have been
around her long enough though, i can understand her fine.
she's where i got the ability to sit on my ass for hours
and like crochet or make some crafty thing, and totally
zone out. theres definatly some type of psychic connection
with my grandma and grandpa and me. she knew all about how
crushed i was even when i wasnt around, and she knew that i
was going to the cemetary without anyone even telling her.
and for her to have dreams about me (she's got a huge
family, why me?) and my grandpa, that makes me happy, im
special! the secret link we have that no one else knows
about. hehe.
THE FOLKS ON MY MOM'S SIDE
whoa, you wanna say fucked up and stuff? see i didnt think
it was that bad, because my mother didnt ever get into what
went on in her family cause i dont think she even really
cared too much about it. there were no real drug problems
or anyting besides drinking which runs throughout the whole
family, but its never called a problem cause they all have
it. i can easily say that everyone on my mom's side of the
family drinks. they dont take it to the evil side like i do
but they really drink every day. my mom, my grandma, all my
second cousins, and great aunts, and their kids, and it
just goes on. oh and its fashionable drinking. wine, the
drug of choice. that and brandy and shnaps and shit. iw.
ther have been weight problems throughout my family dating
back to my great grandma, who i never met and dont even
konw. but then anarexia which no one likes to talk about
but it is fuckin obvious if you just open your eyes and
look! i had it for a little while, my sister had it, some
cousins and aunts further down the line. see that family is
weird, i dont konw who anyone is by like aunt cousin shit,
but i know them all and i konw they are related to me
somehow but i dont konw how. i dont know their appropriate
titles so its gonna be quite vauge when i talk about them.
its funny when my mom talks about someone in my family and
she tries to explain who the hell they are, and i dont
know. its all complicated. maby cause random people died
and there are missing links everywhere. so this is the
polish irish white part of my family. very serious, and
drink, and cold, and i dont know. i really dont konw. i
have had some of the most fucked up conversations with
people on that side who i tell about satanism and being
depressed and i never know who the hell they are! i
remember once talking to one of my uncles, or something, or
no he's my second cousin, my mom's cousin, well i had a
huge conversation with him about my music and what i plan
to do, i was so trashed that i must have said fuck about 60-
70 times, and he really didnt care. or did he... i guess
ill never know. but yeah, that side is really weird.
MY MOM
oh dear, where do i begin with her. um she was cool for
like 18 years then she turned into this fake, cold hearted,
twisted person i dont even konw anymore, who knows she
could have been like this all along and i just realized it
now that im around humans. i will never forget what made me
realize how bad she really was. when i cry about something
that she said to me or did to me. she gets mad and instead
of comforting me and saying sorry or anything, she gets mad
and tells me that im too touchy and that i should just
stop. i get way too out of controll to her, i think she
jsut doesnt realize when to quit with the shit she says to
me. she's evil. just plain evil. i cant have a conversation
with her without it turning into a huge blown up fight that
wont end unless i hang up and smash the phone. everything i
say to her, turns into something that is totally my fault
and when she makes it so clear for the 50th time after im
balling my eyes out, she reminds me again, and then i
explode and tell her to fuck off. and she gets mad at me
and doesnt understand why i get so upset. she doesnt ever
drop anyting. and it just really kills me more and more
that when im crying to her on the phone she never EVER
tryes to make me feel better or get the hint that she's
hurting me. she thinks that she does nothing wrong and that
im entirely too touchy. i dont have this problem with
anyone except her. she's my fucking mother! and she's the
one that hurts me the most, where is that my fault and how
does that make any sence at all? i cant stand talking to
her, and joe is getting really mad too. he hates when i
talk to her on the phone cause EVER SINGLE TIME i hang up
im either crying or screaming, or i just shut down
completely, then i explode. he doesnt need to hear all that
goes on, and he dreads hearing my mother's voice on the
answering machine or on my voice mail because he knows
right away that there's gonna be another fight and im gonna
be really fucked up afterwards. i try, i really try to keep
things good between the 2 of us. i try to keep the
conversation totally off financial shit, or things she has
said, or my family, or it will get bad. and she naggs like
there is no tomarrow, like if i didnt catch it hte first 85
times that maby the next 48 will get into my head. and she
has no reason to do this either, ill be on the phone with
her and she'll tell me to call my grandma, which i planned
on doing anyway as soon as i got off the phone with her,
but it never stops there, its then, "you know she feels
like no one appreciates her and she's older now and lonely,
and you didnt call her last time early enough, and she
thinks she can die and no one would notice, and its all on
me now cause no one else tries to call her, you have to
call her right away, she feels really neglected cause no
one calls her..." and this will go on for hours. its like I
KNOW!!! I HONESTLY KONW! YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ME ANYMORE!
I CANT CALL HER CAUSE YOU WONT SHUT UP AND GET OFF MY
PHONE! then its like i lost a war after that one. i was
going to do a good thing by calling my gm and she makes it
like if it werent for her nagging me that i would never
pick up the phone. i dont even have a chance to do
somehting good and prove to her anyting. she ruins
everything for me. then its like even if i did win the
fight i feel like shit after and my point was totally
mutilated cause she gave in and i should feel bad about
that. ahhhh. i cant talk about her anymore. its impossible.
GRANDMA DOROTHY
see she's another one that secretly gets along with me,
maby better than other people in my family. shhhh. see i
like calling her, cause i do care, and i like telling her
that my life is good cause that makes her happy. little
things we have in common are cool. like the fact that shes
the only one in my family that would talk about sex with me
if given the opportunity, and she has before, which is
really fucked up. you would think that that subject would
never ever come up. my mother is really close minded about
sex and all that. i dont even think my mom and her would
talk about anything like that. my mom would get inbarassed
and probably think my gm is crazy. well she's not. im happy
she's got blood pumping threw her veins. she lives alone
now, and does her own thing, she's totally active and she
belives that she is the most beautiful thing alive, minus
the little fact that her hair is thining, but she wears a
wig so thats even ok. my mom gets so fustrated with all
that. i think its cool. she's the one i got a bunch of
fishnet shit from, and all my long black gloves, and some
clothes too. my gm is really stylish, let me count, she's
got 9 closets filled wiht clothes, i shit you not i am not
exagurating at all. its really cool. when she goes, my
mother dreads having to go threw all that, but i know ill
have fun. i clamed her piano already, and if i keep talking
i can get more stuff, she told me. my sisters got a bunch
of diamonds and gold from her and that sucks cause i dont
like gold, i dont get shit. recently i told her that that
wasnt fair, and she went threw her stuff and i got not
valuable but more herloom like. stuff that was passed down
cause that stuff is cheeper, but i have a conneciton with
stuff like that. i would rather have something with meaning
that was someone elses in my family than just get something
expensive that can be sold or worn to a fancy occasion.
thats dumb to me. i almost got her diamond earings, but i
thing she either forgot or decided not to. who konws. but
my grandma isnt all about stuff. i understand my grandma
and when i hear stuff i get almost mad at my mom that she
gets fustrated. its not like my grandma can controll
anything anymore. yeah she sucks at driving and she's
stubborn and says shit she shouldnt. she has the right too
though cause she is getting older, my mother needs to
realize that and just deal with it. theres so much that my
mom doesnt understand that is so plain and simple, and so
much drama could be easily avoided if you just listen and
stop bitching all the time. i swear my mother starts so
much unnecasary shit.
GRANDPA ON MY MOM'S SIDE
i never met him, and i dont even know anyting about him. he
was hot when he was younger apparently, and my grandma
refuses to remarry or even date anyone else after him.
that's dedication concidering i think he's been dead for
like 20 years now. i have a feeling im gonna be like that
too if i lasted longer than joe. i dont think i would even
date again. theres no need to.
SELINA
this is the sister that i get along with. even though i was
never really close to either one of my sisters, i can
easily say that i have never had any bad feelings about
her, i dont thing we have ever faught seriously, and she
has grown up and she tries to understand where im coming
from and it doesnt bother her anymore. she cares about me
and what happens but its not a rediculous issue like how
marlena makes it out to be. i really want to go up to mass
again and see her new house. i havent been up there in
probably 6 or 7 months now. my parents go every other week
it seems. so selina is the good one. she always was to.
she's the middle daughter, and she got married first, she's
smart, has 2 kids now, and she has her poilots licence.
yeah can you say damn. she's done it all. and me and
marlena are yet to make anything of our lives, but who
cares. i get along with her good now. i could talk to her
and not feel this great need to hang up the phone like my
other siser, or my mom. she's cool. i like her.
PETE
that's selina's husband. he's cool. i dont really talk much
to him or anything, i dont really know him that well but he
seems to be a pretty decent guy and i have no beef with
him. i know he thinks this family is crazy too, but who
doesnt. he probably was pretty freaked out by me when he
first met me cause i was all gothed out, i had pink hair
and black gloves on and just death. he's from
massachusettes let me remind you all, never seen a creature
like me before and that probably made him think a little
harder about marrying my sister, eh im not that bad and he
konws it. i've surprised him many times, he thought he knew
me then i woudl do something totally out of character and
he would be impressed, never thought a goth could dance
like that! or wow you know your alcohol, or wow your a
really good artist. not bad huh? yeah i have a tendency to
impress those who have prejudged me. including him. well as
specially him.
KYLE AND ISABELLE
the babys! they are the cutest babys in the world and there
is nothing anyone can say differently. its going to be
realy interesting to watch them grow up becasue you can
notice little things already even at this young age, that
isabelle is gonna thing im really cool, she loves me! and
kyle too. kyle likes hanging out in my room (when i was in
ny) and get away from all the other people in the house,
like the dungeon or something. i cant say that the way i am
around them or how they treat me is going to show how i am
going to be as a mother, cause i wouldnt raise them like
that. i think selina and pete are doing an ausome job
raising them but i wouldnt do it that way. who konws maby
ill be wrong. so kyle should be like 4 now and isabelle's
2. fun ages but they are really not that bad. just dont
sleep in the same house as isabelle and dont be around kyle
if he hurts himself, they will make you misserable then.
other than that, they are good kids, and the cutest in the
world. isabelles gonna be a supermodel and kyles definatly
gonna be followed all threw his life.
MARLENA
:::rolls eyes::: she's such a bitch. i think shes the same
as my mother except for the fact that my sister is bitchy
too. so all my mother's characteristics, minus the
occasional niceness and the talkativness, add bitch. total
and complete bitch, all the time. how she got married, i
have no idea. she's the oldest sister. she just got married
like 4 months ago, 2 days before i moved to florida, notice
i had to stay until she got married, then i said fuck it im
out. i didnt even want to stay that long, its not like i
played any role in her wedding. see marlena has hated every
single guy i have ever dated, i dont know what she thinks
of joe, and i honestly dont care. she has no effect on me
any longer. her comments and oppinions dont mean shit to
me, because i no longer respect her. i really hate her. she
is even more fake than my mother, and she's more evil too.
since she has hated everyone ive dated and says "i told you
so" when i break up with them (she's a fuckin child), she
likes to get involved in my personal life by offering to go
to their houses and threaten them. see theres a big
difference between supporting my decisions, respecting me,
and crossing the fucking line. if i gave her any signal to
do anyting to stefan she would have gone to his house and
ripped him a new asshole, not because he hurt me but
because she has personal problems with him. she doesnt know
him but that doesnt matter. he was around and he annoyed
her, even thought they never spoke a word she hated him.
she hates everyone, more than me. and all my friends too.
she thought she was protecting me and that was a good
thing, no it just made her look like a psychopath that had
some extra anger that she needed to get out on anyone, hey
yeah lets torture alexis's ex's and make the situation a
million times worse!!! good job. fuckin cunt. and she loves
making fun of me to my face, and making sure that i know
that im a total fuck up. but keep in mind, i will never be
a bigger fuck up than her becaseu then i would be beating
her at somehting and she cant have that! sickening. i hit
her once. and she looked at me in shock then shut up,
everyone saw it too, but didnt say anything, i guess they
were wondering when i was actually going to snap and beat
the living shit out of her. i have dreams about that,
seriously, i dream about beating up my sister, infront of
my whole family, cause she's such a cuntrag, fake, lieing,
gossiping, bitchy, snobby, 2 faced, FUCK! I HATE HER! i
wish my mother would stop attempting to make it ok for the
2 of us, but it will never happen. marlena's attempts are
sickening and im happy that she stopped calling me and
writing to me cause she has realized that im only caling
her back to shut my mother up cause i dont really want to
talk to her, its a fake conversation anyway. do you think i
actually tell her anyting? hell no!
EREK
ok this is the retard that married marlena. how they are
able to deal with each other alone is mind boggling. they
cant be any more opposite. so erek watches how marlena
treats me and thinks that its ok for him to do it to me
too. ehhh wrong, do you want me to hate you erek? i dont
think so, stop showing off for my sister, its pathetic, the
2 of you are like little babies with no life so you must
fuck with mine. the 2 of you make me sick, and i would love
it if you stayed out of my business, and actually my life.
i would live a happy life then. you were cool until you
started with that making fun of me is cool shit, like how
my sister does it so freely now. retard. and i also think
he should be on medication cause he's entirely too
energetic and hyper and just anoying for someone in his
30s, its not funny, its imbarrassing. i bet marlena thinks
that too.

so theres my family. i either hate you or i love you.
theres no in between here. for good reasons too. i dont
forgive. those who dont purposly do things to hurt me i
really like in my family because they give a shit about how
i feel and how to keep this family together in some
remotely normal way. so what am i gonna do now, well when i
see my mother in september which im forcing myself to do,
(im going to find other people to stay with as well) im
going to see my grandpa, and go see my sister's new house.
then i think i'll be content with that, and i can say that
my family isnt that fucked up. i really respect my family
tree, cause there are some really great people in it.
unfortunatly there are some branches that (forget about
being cut) need to be burned off.

joe be afraid, be very affraid, eh fuck it, i'll be part of
your family soon enough.




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