Sara

Life of a Ranger
2002-08-06 13:29:27 (UTC)

The Maine Event

So I went to Maine...had so much fun! I was pissed
because I didn't get to see my friend Jeff...who I haven't
seen in 2 years...but I'm sure I'll see him next time. So
anyways...to the real stuff. Of course I hooked up with
Lee. But I realized something. While my whole family was
calling me a tease I was getting really upset...but I
couldn't figure out why because I went up there being
like "Yeah I'll hook up with him, but that's it...and then
I have to listen to him tell me he cares about me and
stuff..." and BOOM then it hit me! I'm not going to say
I'm in love with him...because I'm still in love with
Darcio...but being with him this weekend made me realize
that I still really care about him...a lot. And I
remember before, after I came out of the relationship with
Yoshi...Lee was there waiting...telling me how much he
cared and everything. I ate it up of course...because I
really needed to hear it...but I told him too how much he
meant to me...never telling him I wanted to get back
together or anything but just that he was special in my
life. Then he asked me to come there and stay with
him...just for a weekend...he'd even pay for my bus
ticket...just to see if there was anything there between
us. I made up all kinds of excuses, asking what the point
was...he lives 7 hours from here...10 hours from my
school. There was no way I was relocating and he had said
before he didnt' want to leave his home town. Then he
said..."I never said that if I thought there was a chance
between us that I wouldn't move down there in a
heartbeat". Well then I tried to make him hate
me...arguing with him all the time and telling him how
much I'd changed and that he didnt' know me anymore. But
it didn't change me at all in his eyes. And then a few
weeks/months later I'd be telling him about my new
relationship. Well, now I'm single...again. And when I
came out of this relationship and all the drama that went
along with it...there was Lee...just waiting for me. And
that's when I realized...the whole reason I tried to make
him hate me and make all the excuses was because I was
afraid of that kind of committment. If you look at the
relationships I have...they're with people from other
countries...that will either leave me or in the end take
me from my family and friends here. With Lee it's
different...he said he would move here...that's a HUGE
committment. And what if things don't work out...then
he's stuck here, at least for a while. He would have left
his job up there, would have to get rid of his stuff here
before he moved back up there...it would be a big mess and
I'd feel as if it were my fault.
It's the strangest thing with him, even though I hadn't
seen him in 2 years...it was like we hadn't spent a day
apart...and I'm totally myself with him...not that I
wasnt' with Darcio...but that's just it...I loved Darcio
more than anyone...I still do...but Lee treats me just as
well...I care about him...and he's still there...after 3
years. That has got to say something. Regardless, I'm
going to tell Lee all this...but something that scares me
to death is that if I have feelings for Lee...then I must
be getting over Darcio...and I'm not sure if I'm ready for
that. And also I'm scared because what if I've blown my
chances with Lee? What if this time he just saw me as a
piece of ass...? Oh the questions could go on
forever...all I have to do is take the plunge and find the
answers.




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