korngoddess

~*Life or Something Like it*~
2002-08-06 09:07:11 (UTC)

TWELTH ENTRY

August 7, 2002

I tried to explain myself to someone today. they didnt
understand. i think it would be so refreshing to just run
and run... only i have asthma and i cant. im tired but not
sleepy. i was thinking about california, i told my mom i
wanted to live there and she goes, "dont be silly, everyone
knows when the next big earthquake happens its going to
fall off into the ocean." shes tellin me not to be silly
and at the same time telling me cali's just gonna go off
and sink. i love my mommy shes so funny, shes like a sister
to me. i was talkin to patrick, my brother, whos basically
like my best friend. he doesnt consider his dad a dad and i
dont consider my mom a mom... i guess cuz neither one of
them we're around to raise us. well, my mom was there for
him but his dad was in jail. and my dad raised me and
stayed busy finding everyway possible to keep me from my
mom while telling me it was for my own good. i hate that
about him, hes so selfish with me. i think he thinks of me
as a pocession and not an actual person. i could never do
that to someone. i mean i dont wanna have kids, because
lets face it after 12 years of school and getting my PhD im
not quitting my job.. thatd be a waste. and i dont even
think ill get married. everyone i know thats married is
miserable, and i can do that just fine on my own. i was
talkin to my step dad and he said that if i didnt want kids
what was the point of marriage and i said companionship
maybe... then i was thinkin hell itd be a lot cheaper to
just get a dog.:) i want a lota animals when i grow up, i
want a giraffe. i got to pet one and they're just so cute!
and i want a white tiger. and an armadillo! i wonder what
they feel like. my favorite is a sloth... i mean ppl think
they're ugly but they're so cute! i think im in love, and
it scares me. i dont wanna go through another brad. but
since we're not going out i wont have to worry bout it
ending the same way. i hate him for telling me he loved me
and wed always be together then going and fuckin my best
friends girlfriend. me and trey found out at the same time
and we were so hurt. i poured everything into that
relationship. i mean if you had asked me if i thought id
spend the rest of my life with him.. i wouldve said yes. i
hate him for that, and he doesnt even care. and now im
feeling the same thing i did with brad all over again and
im just so scared. i dont know why, i mean im trying to
limit my expectations. but when i do that i get sad, but i
guess thats better than getting hurt. its like i have a
permanent wall up around me, and i only let certain ppl
know me. and even those certain ppl dont know everything,
no one does. i dont even know. its finished for me.
jeny




Ad: