blueswede

more damn depression over stuff

So needless to say I'm still depressed about things. After
all, if I were feeling just grand, I wouldn't be writing an
entry. Let's review what's gone on since last time:

- I turned 18, so now I can vote, buy cigarettes, be sent to
fight in wars, and be tried as an adult. Being 18 doesn't
feel much different so far. Everything's just the same as
it ever was.

- I found out that a friend of mine who I'm really eager to
see won't be back in town until God knows when. She was on
a trip to Qatar, but apparently is also visiting some places
in Europe. I'd been under the impression that she would be
returning from her travels at the end of July, but now, who
knows when she'll be back.

- I bought a new guitar. This one's a classical, so maybe I
can become a solid flamenco player and impress the hell out
of people. And maybe pigs will fly.

- I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with my social life.

The biggest problem is my friend being out of town. We went
out once, but a problem arose: her parents don't allow her
to date. Now, whether things have changed, who's to say.
But I was really hoping to hang out with her a little before
the end of summer.

It's a drag. In 18 years, I've met one girl I really like
who actually feels the same way about me (at least to some
extent). Now, with the two of us heading off to different
colleges come fall, it's becoming increasingly likely that
I'll never see her again.

What bothers me the most is that it took me so damn long to
realize how great she really is. We went to the same high
school, but didn't have any classes together until junior
year, and even then didn't really get acquainted until our
senior year. So the scheduling system can take some blame.

It takes me nearly eighteen years to get into any sort of
relationship, and then as quickly as it began, it all fades
away. And all I can do is write entries in this damn diary
complaining about how much it sucks.

I feel like a fool for clinging so desperately to this faint
glimmer of hope, and yet right now it's all I have. I can't
really talk to anyone about this; after all, it's impossible
for me to actually do anything right now. I'm sick of most
of the people I call friends; there's always this sense of
hositility anytime I hang out with them. So I'm stuck here
with very little social life, frittering away the summer by
watching "The Weakest Link."

If you want to see just how bad things are, notice I didn't
even bother coming up with a clever title for this entry.

All I want right now is the chance to see her and somehow
work through all these unresolved emotions. And yet I can't
do that. In fact, I may never get this resolved. I'm stuck
with a need to love and be loved, and my one chance appears
to have slipped away.

I wonder what the odds are that I'll end up a bitter single
male with no meaningful relationships and a job I hate.

This is Dave, signing off.