Beyeza's mental musings
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2001-07-09 05:37:31 (UTC)

Bryan and me - 7/8/01

Sunday night

So much stuff happening and I don't know what to do right
now. Let's start with Bryan Hudson. Bryan is a man I feel
very comfortable with, but I have a horrible feeling that
no matter what he does, he will never be the one for me.
Every little thing he does, I fuss over and make it an
issue where with another man, it is no big deal. Recently,
we have fallen back into seeing each other - fairly
regularly. Today I brought up 'the conversation'.
Basically, where this is all going because I don't want us
to go through another breakup like the one we had almost
exactly a year ago.

I feel bad because I know Bryan is a strong, self-
willed man and I feel like i am bending him to his knees
with all of my demands that he may try and do and it still
won't get me. Isn't that a shame? And yet on other days,
I just want to crawl all over him like at the Taste of
Chicago when we were playing around or at his apartment
when he was leaning over the computer and I leaned in
against him and it felt so natural. But it is like those
are little things that just won't hold me and I need to
just let him go, but I can't - no I don't want to. Why not?

I need his company right now. My social life isn't all
that jumping right now, I don't have a ton of friends
around me...... But what about when you were at Swingers
and Bryan was sitting on the opposite of Derrick and he
just seemed so sweet, gentle, nice, kind, and all that.
Those are the qualities I absolutely LOVE about him. But
his self-interest component is also very high. I sense in
him that he will put himself first before another person.
He may make the sacrifice, he may not.

I could just chill and ride the wave with Bryan once again
feeling torn and conflicted. Maybe because he would not be
my first choice and I hate being pursued so it is as if I
don't even get to choose. My feelings for him can be so
conditional, but like my career, it is as if I am not
giving other guys a chance to bring the happiness I want
because I want to keep Bryan happy. Isn't that ridiculous?

So I am a mixed up sistah. Nothing new there.

I like this journal thing.