T

feeling down

i wanted to talk to him today and yesturday but i was only
able to talk to him for a few seconds today.
im going to try to call him again before work.
i dunno.. i was supposed to go look at an apartment this
evening. if i am in fact staying up here than i need to
find a place to live. but i bailed on going to look at
it. i ujst didnt want to go.. i was too tired, and too
hot. and i feel down. i dont want to get an apartment
because im afraid hell leave me. me thinking about yet
again committing to something else makes me feel farther
away from him already. makes me feel like he wont want me
because of his mistrust.
i will only seriously look at 1 room apartments and
studios, even though there seem to be many really great
deals and stuff for shared housing.
i feel like i dont want anything to do with anyone at
school. i keep thinking about it and i keep thinking about
how i want to just go to school, do my homework, and work
with kids.. perhaps be a nanny. i think about if i get my
own place maybe id get a cat to keep me company. i keep
thinking about how on the weekends id use my ppr to go down
and see him if hed let me. or try to get him up here on
the weekends so we could go to all the places i want to
take him.. northern new hampshire where the mountains and
the trees, the granite and the rivers are so amazing. or
the lakes...... or the beaches of nh and maine.
but i didnt look at this studio apartment today because....
i am just so sad. i dont know what to do.
i cant bring myself to want to live with n..... id truly
be in hell. as if thinking about not being the mother of
his kids is enough..... but having it shoved in my face
everyday. i couldnt do it. id puke on her feet.

im tired of being confused. of feeling like he and i are
both getting the run-around. i want things to be simple.
but i dont know when they will be.
i want him to get a divorce.
i wonder if im pregnant. part of me wishes i was so bad.
thats why i purposefully dont use anything when i am with
him.
then again..... part of me says to myself that i cant get
pregnant.. part of me is so adamant about it because i dont
want to bring my beautiful baby into MY shit filled world
that sometimes i wonder if my fears of bringing a baby into
my life and that my thoughts keep me from having it.
or maybe, i wonder so much, im infertile as gods punishment
for the things ive done. i see my babys at the daycare and
wonder if they are there to torture me, like his babies
that i love.

ugh.. im talking crazy.. im tired. god. xavier im sorry.
im sure youre going to read this. im sorry we are this
way. i want things to be the way they were last
wednesday. you made me feel so amazingly good. why cant
we have that every day. why couldnt i have been good to
you, and believed in you the way i wish you would believe
in me now.