meeshy5108

Moonshadows
2001-07-09 03:21:39 (UTC)

Telling to many lies

I promised myself I wouldn't lie to the people I love. Well
I couldn't keep this promise and it saddens me. I am
living in this halfway house and the people here are great
but I continue to lie about drinking. I am dreading
tomorrow when Andrea the house manager comes in. She has
this uncanny ability to sense my dishonesty. I can't
forget Mary who is coming in on Tuesday. I totally lied to
her. I looked her straight in the eye and said that I
didn't have my bank card that I had no idea where it was.
I even played along with it and looked for it knowing damn
well where it was. You think with this unbearable crush I
have on Mary that I wouldn't do that to her. Sometimes I
feel that I am destined to be alone. I am going to die of
lesbian bed death. I have only had one experience with a
woman and it is driving me crazy. I dream about making
love to a woman everynight. It is not really about the sex
but about the love. I am so consumed with feelings of love
and wanting to be close with another woman. When I was
living the nightmare with "asshole man" I never had this
feeling for him. But who would when he tries to beat the
love out of you every night. I wonder how I made it so far
in life. There are so many times I could of been dead but
here I am. I must have some purpose. Though now I have to
live with the afteraffects of an abusive boyfriend who beat
be senseless when he found out about my affair with Amy and
the gang rape at one of his wonderful parties. Maybe this
shows that I am strong to have survived this mess. I am
happier now considering I can be who I want. The first
thing I did was cut my hair short. It was so liberating.
I can wear the clothes I want to wear even with my mothers
insistence that I dress more feminine. It was great
throwing away all those awful clothes he bought me. I am
going to start school full time but I am wondering if I
will make it. I am so scared. Now I have no idea what to
do about this whole drinking thing. I lied to the two best
women in my life. They are so special to me. But how can
I say that and mean it after what I have done. Maybe I
should sleep on it. I just hope I have an answer tomorrow
to my stress.


~Meeshy~