i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-08-05 08:20:20 (UTC)

One last time, I promise.

This is it. My one last 'venting' post before I get out of
this stupid funk (I hate that word), give myself a
gigantic "fuck you", and get over it. So be prepared for
the most self-involved journal entry that I'll ever write.
Right now, it's all going to be about me.

I am tired. I'm tired of getting up in the morning. I'm
tired of going to bed at night. I am so fucking tired of
everyone talking about college. Fuck college, I have no
desire to go there. I'm tired of living here. I am so sick
and tired of fucking suburbia. I'm tired of all the fucking
SUVs and 'soccer moms' in the neighborhood. The tract
housing makes me want to vomit. I'm sick of carbon copies
and dishonesty and all-around unoriginal people, places and
ideas, and I'm sick of being one of those people. I am sick
of the state of Arizona. I hate the new format of the
Arizona Republic --- I want a newspaper to read the fucking
articles, not to look at a bunch of pictures. Fuck looking
more like the USA Today. I hate that newspaper too. I'm
tired of the fake 'desert landscaping.' Now that's a
fucking hypocritical idea if I ever saw one. Hey, let's
tear down the desert, kill a bunch of cacti, force some
animals out of their homes, and bulid houses that look
exactly alike. Then, we'll put an aestheticly pleasing
desert landscape in the front yard. It's almost like having
the real desert right in front of your house! It's cool,
it's hip, it's Arizonan. I'm sick of all of that. I'm sick
of palm trees, the sun, and melting my feet on the asphalt
when I'm walking across the parking lot. I am so bored with
this place.

I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of breathing and rolling out
of bed every morning. I'm sick of pretending to care about
anything. I hate the person I was, I hate the person I've
become, and I hate the fact that I'll never do anything
about it. I'm tired of feeling lonely 95% of the time. I'm
tired of always screwing most everything up. I'm so tired
of living in my past, and pretending that I'm living in the
moment. I'm tired of throwing myself these pointless pity
parties. I hate wanting to cry for an hour, but feeling too
guilty to do it. I'm tired of always winding up back in the
same place. Just when I've congratulated myself on learning
something, I wind up back there again. I have never
changed, and I have never learned. I'm tired of my family,
and I feel guilty because of it. I'm tired of being the
screw-up of the family. I'm tired of all the fucking gossip
and politics shit that goes on in families. Can't anyone
keep my business to themselves? I am tired of my mother
looking at me like I'm crazy. I'm tired of feeling crazy.
I'm tired of being crazy.

I hate wanting to live so hard, and simultaneously wanting
to die. Painfully, if possible. I hate driving down the
road, and suddenly wanting to crash into a pole. I hate
wearing a seat belt, and I hate myself for the reason why I
don't. I hate knowing that I was thinking the same things
ten years ago, I hate wondering if I'll be thinking the
same things ten years from now, and I really hate thinking
of 'ten years from now.' I hate being caught up in stupid
teenage drama (like this) and I am tired of feeling like a
stupid teenager. I am tired of feeling inferior to just
about everyone (don't laugh) and I'm tired of that
obnoxious 'i don't fit in' feeling. I'm tired of being
single. I hate feeling so completely unattractive and
unlovable for a majority of my life. I'm tired of being so
fucking boring most of the time. I'm tired of being me. I
am so tired of living. I hate feeling all this, and knowing
it is completely and totally not justified, knowing that my
life would be a dream for many other people, but hating it
all anyway.