Livin' Large....or...not.
2001-07-09 01:19:16 (UTC)

Ah, the great outdoors.

I spent Friday riding my mountain bike down the trails at
Breckenridge ski resort. Such a great time, usually, but
man, oh man...I was being a serious weenie.
I'm not sure what's up with me, but lately I've been
crashing a lot, mostly because I can't seem to stay off
the brakes or trust that momentum (read: speed) is
often the thing that keeps you out of trouble. I'm thinking
about saving up some money to go to a skills camp
this summer. Sounds like lots of fun and very
beneficial. Besides, it will save me money in the long
run...Friday's crash made me scrape the shit out of my
expensive new shoes, and I'm going through four
gauze pads a day on the road rash. :)
I rode UP the mountain, too, which garnered me some
stares from other people bombing down, but it felt
great. Maybe that was a day I should have worked on
my climbing skills!

I hiked Mt. Sanitas today with Mike's brother. He's a cool
guy...much better conversationalist than Mike, but also
a bit more serious. We unfortunately got into a
conversation about children. I hate those discussions.
Although I think Patrick gets what I'm saying better than
a lot of other people.
I just don't want kids. I mean, I've learned to never say
never, but I don't enjoy the company of children, and I
don't have the patience or the maternal instinct to be a
parent. Plus I'm really restless and not domestic in the
This wouldn't matter at all, except for the fact that Mike is
fairly sure he wants them. He at least wants to know the
option is there. Which, of course, I understand. Not a
damn thing wrong with that. But I'd rather be involved
with kids through volunteer work, where I can help a
bunch of different children and feel good about it, and
then take off and travel and have the rest of my life to
organize any way I want. And of course, I don't want my
heart broken by some guy that's going to dump my ass
because I won't squeeze out some kids for him.
Naturally, Mike and Patrick (although Patrick a lot less
so) both jump to the conclusion that I have some sort of
psychological problem that causes my lack of interest
in children. And that of course, if I had therapy, I'd be
"cured" and be the happy little mom forever after.
It bugs the shit out of me that hundreds of men say they
don't like kids and don't want them, and no one blinks
an eye. But if you're a woman and you say that, you're
automatically a dysfunctional, selfish person, and you
need to be "fixed". It's such bullshit. I obviously need to
get to work on a very thick skin where this issue is
concerned, because I suspect I'm in for a lifetime of
these annoying conversations.
I just wish Mike and I agreed, somehow, on this. He's a
wonderful guy, but it's clear this is the make-or-break
issue for us. He's such an optimist....he thinks we can
compromise somehow, which is endearing, but silly.
His idea of compromise, I think, is that he's willing to
hold out until I change my mind. Ha ha. And then he
threw out the possibility of adoption, because he
thought the process of childbirth was the problem. That
cracked me up even more. Hey, Mike, you're not
listening. Kids don't interest me. Not at all. I don't need
to "pass on my knowledge" or "keep my family line
I look at my friend, Cliff, who at the age of 42 has never
married or had kids. (No one bugs him about it, of
course.) He saves up money, and then every few
months travels to remote areas with Doctors Without
Borders type groups. So he gets to see Nepal, and
Africa, and all these great places, and shoot pictures of
all these doctors helping people, and even volunteer
himself. He comes back from those trips very happy,
and he's clearly very fulfilled by those projects. That's a
lot more what I have in mind for my future. I think I'd
rather do more volunteer work than solid photography,
but that big-picture take on being involved with children
is much more to my liking.
My favorite part of kid conversations, of course, is when
people say, "But you'll die alone!" I love that. It's about
the dumbest reason I can think of to have children,
unless you said you wanted to eat them. If you're over
the age of 18 and not living at home, how much time do
you spend with your parents? I see my parents about
three times a year, even though we live in the same
state. Mike sees his parents once a year, on
Christmas. His parents are pretty damn alone, and I bet
they're going to die that way, in spite of the fact that they
had two kids together, and others from previous
Anyway, bottom line is that having kids is not for
everyone. I don't have the personality for it. Luckily I am
perceptive enough to realize it about myself, and I won't
waste most of my life doing something I don't enjoy
because society pressures me into it. And raising
unhappy kids in the process!
Now, if only I could meet a man who is with me, 100%,
on this. Right now I feel like I'm trying to get on a team
that doesn't want me, even though I'm a solid player.
I'm just following along, blindly hiding from the rejection
that's about to come my way.