My Life
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2002-08-05 03:30:00 (UTC)


Today I'm optimistic. Actually, this weekend as a whole
was pretty good. Had a great party Friday night, visited
home for the rest of the time. Sex and the City was great
as always...and here I am, preparing for another work

I'm generally not an optimistic person. I'm quite the
opposite, actually. Someone once told me that we have bad
days so that we can appreciate the good ones when they come
along. That's very true. After the past two semesters, I
have learned to appreciate the good days.

So I was thinking about what I wrote last time. There are
some things I should add. When I was a junior in high
school, I hung around with two other guys. We were pretty
good friends. One of them had a serious girlfriend, and
the other one told me one day that he was gay. I think I
was the first person he told. I guess he told me instead
of the other guy because he sort of expected me to tell him
I was gay. That brings me to a point I wanted to make. I
think that on some level, everyone around me knows. That
doesn't make things easier, however. I think my parents
know, are they are at least concerned, but they don't want
it to be true. Sometimes they ask if I'm seeing
anybody...or if I have plans to get married and have a
family. Those are hard things to answer.

Anyway, now my friend from high school is out to everyone.
I didn't tell him about me then, and I haven't told him
now, mainly because he had a serious drug problem. I
didn't want to deal with that. He just wasn't a stable
person, and I didn't want to trust him with that
information about me. Now he's sorting his life out and we
aren't so close anymore.

Let's revisit Friday night. There is this girl that I'm
pretty close to lately. She's got her fair share of
problems...but I think we connect on some strange level.
Anyway, she was at my party...and there were some gay guys
that showed up. Please note that this was totally by
chance. I'd invited this group of friends I have that are
in a student organization with me, and they were just the
only ones who showed up. I wasn't upset that they came. I
guess you could say I have somewhat of an interest in one
of them. So I talked to Laura, the girl I'm friends with,
earlier tonight and she was telling me how frustrated she
was about the gay guys. Apparently, she was attracted to
them, but she was frustrated because she realized they were
gay and that she'd never get anywhere with them. So we
talked a lot about that whole situation, and I got a better
idea of her take on homosexuality. See, a couple of weeks
ago when I was thinking of telling someone about me, it was
going to be her. I thought that, with all the problems she
has overcome, she would be the ideal candidate. I'm glad
now that I didn't tell her. I mean, I mentioned earlier
that I thought everyone around me knows on some level. She
obviously doesn't, after some of the things she said. I
mean, I don't get offended by things people say about gay
people. I understand that they lack the understanding.
Sorry if that is confusing.

There is always the possibility that she really knows and
was just trying to see how I would react to what she said.
Do you see how confusing my life can be?? Well that's
about all I feel like typing for tonight. I'm sure I'll
have more to say tomorrow.