Pandora's Box
2002-08-04 08:50:46 (UTC)

04 aug 02 1:06 a.m. So I think..

04 aug 02
1:06 a.m.

So I think my entire life can be figured out if one examines my
relationship with my mother. Like almost everyone I know, my
relationship with her is completely dysfucntional. But that doesn't
make me feel any better about it. Take today, for example. We have
this stupid argument about me taking to long to get ready to go
somewhere (I guess...) which resulted in my not going at all (my
choice). I came home from the bank and was the anti-girl: threw on
Nike pants, a scarf and a wife beater and buried my nose in Jane
magazine. Then we had a screaming match and everyone left. Later she
calls, from the car, to apologize and tell me that she wants me to
go. I didn't. I don't know what it was, I couldn't let her think
that it was okay; that I wasn't still mad at her because it wasn't
and I was. And that's the way everything goes. It's like the most
ridiculous power struggle (and I'm Type A) and I refuse to lose any
gained ground. I become completely defiant. And I hate it, but it's
necessary. It's like she doesn't get it. Today wasn't even that big
a deal, but I hate that she thinks that she doesn't have to afford
me the same respect that she requires and I'll still respond because
I'm her child. (And allow me to clarify: I am her child, but I am
not a child). It doesn't work that way. And the 'I brought you into
this world' card no longer works; I'm not sure how I feel about
that. Perhaps I should have a bone to pick with her about that too.
(Like I chose birth. Contemplating my non-existence doesn't bother
me at all--I can't have an opinion about that. Not existing is a non-
experience.) It's worse than high school. It's getting to the point
where I've grown tired of trying to please her, so I've given up
and settled on pissing her off--at least that way I get what I
expected. My sister's getting the same way. She doesn't yet have the
hang of it: when and what to argue, when to lay off. She's jumping
on everything and she hasn't yet figured out that you have to pick
your battles, especially if she wants Dad on her side. And she can't
be hypocritical. It's a delicate situation. But all her arguements
with Mom now end with Mom accusing her of getting more and more like
me. And to be honest, I love her for that. Oh, what I would give to
come back from school 110 pounds. She'd flip; that's definetly too
thin for my height. Especially in this family. But I liked it when I
was losing tons of weight. Horrifically, I seem to have lost the
ability to go for days on grapes and crackers. Perhaps I can fix
that when I'm living by myself. All I want to do is talk to Bird.
I've called a few times and I've actually begun to feel like I'm
hounding her. But she always makes me feel better. There's no one
here that I feel like explaining things to, Amber and I aren't
really close anymore (plus she moved) and since I don't see Ro as
regularly, I feel like I'm burdening him if I call to vent. And
Bird's so easy to talk to. I don't really know what it is. I don't
even mind listening to her go on about what she's going through; our
conversations aren't a race to get to the point where I get to talk.
I honestly enjoy all of it. It's weird, actually. I was drawn to
something in her fairly early on in our friendship, but we didn't
even really get to be close until it got later and later in the
year, which is a little weird, I guess. It reminds me a lot of my
friendship with Amber, or at least the way it started. But I
honestly may like her better. In a lot of ways we're on the same
wavelength more, and in some ways she offers things I never would
have thought of. I think I admire the way she's a lot of things I
wish I were (I always love qualities in others that I wish I had).
Like the way she's a complete and total genius (I'm smart, but she's
a genius--she will probably graduate in the top 10% of our class).
And the way she seems to know who she is and I'm all over the board.
And how she is who she is without feeling like she has to apoloqize
to anyone who isn't okay with every little thing she does. I really
admire her strength. And how, she doesn't know it, but she's
completely beautiful. In every way, really. It's not just me. My
roomate and I had a conversation about this. She doesn't see it, but
guys are checking her out all the time. I don't even think she gets
it, but she's totally gorgeous and she's never trying. It's almost
nauseating. But it isn't like she's the first person I've ever met
to be admirably intelligent and beautiful. But there's something
about her that makes me love her fiercely, without trying. I don't
even think I realized it consciously until recently. Just thinking
about how much I missed when she left (it was nuts--all day I kept
wanting to go talk to her and she wasn't there) and how upset I was
about missing her leave. And giving up my room. I didn't even think
about it at the time, really. But I usually love my friends (my good
friends, anyway) like long-lost family members. I would do anything
for some of them. She's just very very close to the top of that list
in a relatively short period of time.