Monnie

Love Is Pain
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2002-08-04 08:35:20 (UTC)

When I Cry

Damn! Here I am again...

I really wasn't gunna write in here again but *shrugs* I
guess I really felt like writing. Its not like I have
anything to say thats different. Changes, changes, and
guess what? More changes.. Some are actually good changes.
Changes that I wouldn't give up for anything.

Okay, lets start.... *sigh* THINGS. ARE. HARD. Plain and
simple. There is never going to be a person in the history
of the world that says, "I've never had a hard situation!"
No matter what happens in life things will always be hard.
You can have a million dallors and some how you will find
something hard.

It really doesn't make sence. Even when you were a little
baby things were hard. I hate it when my mother says to
me,"You've got it easy." I cant stand it. I just want to
yell at her. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?" Cuz she doesn't
know. She doesnt know the pain thats inside me.

I don't think anyone really knows. Its cuz I hide. I hide it
from everyone. I think, "You know its MY pain. Let me deal
with it." I guess in a way thats bad. Because I block
myself from other people trying to help me. If someone asks
whats wrong? I just shake my head and say,"nothing."

When you really think about, its probably the worse thing
you can do. Because in the one moment, when someone whats
to know whats wrong. Inside I'm screaming for them to help
me. I'm screaming for them to hold me while cry. But I
won't. I won't let myself cry. I won't let myself feel
weak.

I hate to cry. When I actually cry. I hate myself for it. I
get angry. I feel so weak. Like crying is proving that you
have failed. Crying is proving that you weren't strong
enough to make it. Crying is the alimate pain. Crying is
what makes the pain burn inside you. And you can't stop it.
You cant control it.

You try and try. But in the end, it just comes out anyway.
Its almost like, a drug. You NEED it. You don't really want
it. But something inside you screams for it. So then you
cant take it anymore. And you break down. But what I've
notice is when I do cry. No one's there to hold me.

-Monnie


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