My Life
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2002-08-03 18:25:35 (UTC)

Hung Over

Wow. I didn't know how bad a hangover could be until this
morning. I probably shouldn't have consumed so many
different kinds of wine last night, though. In addition, I
probably shouldn't have had that drink at the bar after the
party. My head is pounding, but not nearly as bad now as
it was about four hours ago. I thought it would explode.

The party was successful, though. Who knew a 19-year-old
college student could actually pull off wine and cheese?
It was fabulous. Yes, I overcame the traditional college
party, which usually consists of one or many kegs,
everclear punch, and plastic cups.

I did the whole party scene for two years, but this year is
going to be different. I have my own apartment now.
That's sort of what last night was about. I think you
should always throw a party when you first move into a new
place. One of those unwritten rules, you know?

Enough about that. I should probably introduce myself.
I'm a junior, about to start the first of my last three
semesters in undergrad. Yes, I'm young, but I started
school early. My parents sort of took a year away from
me. That's the running joke about that.

Right now I have a full-time paid internship for the
summer. I'll keep it as a part-time student job when the
fall semester starts. So...besides being a full-time
student with a part-time job, in my spare time I'm also
involved in a student organization or two. I feel that I'm
pretty well-known around campus. I mean, people probably
don't sit at home and think about me, but I'm a familiar
face to many. I'm one of those people you run into all the
time here or there. You might not have met me, but you
know I exist.

I have several different groups of friends. That's the way
I like it. If I get tired of my friends from work, I can
hang out with the friends I made through my roommates. If
I get tired of them, I can hang out with my friends from
home. Sometimes, like last night, the different groups
come togeter. That's a once-in-a-while thing.

Ok. Now that I've talked about me from the outside, I
should probably say a few things about me on the inside.
My life is a constant struggle. I'm 19 years old, and I'm
gay. But nobody knows. And I mean that. Nobody. And no,
it was not a choice I made. I hate when people assume
that. Why would I choose to set myself apart from
everyone, to set myself up for ridicule and scorn?

The struggle is over telling people. I may be 19, but I've
watched friends go through the whole "coming-out" thing.
You lose friends. People look at you different. I'm going
to be a professional. I don't want to taint the image that
I've worked so hard for.

Until recently, I didn't even want to tell anyone. But a
few weeks ago, I almost did. I was frustrated about not
really being totally open to any other people, and I was
thrown by the discovery that this guy I know is gay.
That's funny. Every time someone I know comes out, I feel
the urge to do it myself. But I really don't want to. I
figure the longer I wait, the fewer problems I'll have.
But is that really true? I guess, somewhere in my mind, I
think that I'll be able to hide it from certain groups of
people in my life that I know can't handle it. But I know
that isn't true. Once one person knows, they'll tell
someone else, and it will spread like a bad STD. That's
inevitable. I guess when I decide to do it, I'll pick a
disposable friend to tell so that I can get rid of them for
betraying me after it's all over. Kidding. So the
struggle is about how it's either all or none. I'm not
ready for all, and I'm tired of none!!

How long have I known? I think I've always known. But how
long since I've accepted it for myself? Only recently.
During the past 6 months or so. When I was in junior high,
I actually prayed (like the good Catholic I'm supposed to
be) for it to change. This is not who I want to be! But
during the past 6 months, I've given up on trying to change
it. It's not going to change. It just isn't. There's
nothing that can be done.

I think the hardest part about coming out would be telling
my dad. I mean, that's obvious. But the way I feel about
it is that a gay son would be such a let-down to a
heterosexual man with kids. I fear that we would never be
the same. Everything would be awkward between us after.
It doesn't help that I'm the oldest son. Of course he
would never understand. What would his friends think?
What would his brothers and the rest of the family think?
Those are the thoughts he'd have to deal with.

But my little brother sort of gives him everything he
always wanted in a son. He's the athletic one, he's the
one who likes to hunt and fish. He'll be the one to carry
on the family name, too. I mean, I don't think my dad
doesn't love me. He does, but I don't provide some of the
things that fall under his expectations. He's been proud
of me at the appropriate times, and we have our fights

Ok I've written a lot. This has been a brief introduction
to who I am. This journal for me is going to be a way to
vent my frustrations about that aspect of my life until I'm
ready to tell people. Venting is important to me. I do it
about everything else, and it's time to vent about this. I
have lots more thoughts and opinions about this subject,
but I have to meet a friend for a late lunch. I think it
will help to get something in my stomach. Until next