Nick's Journal
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2002-08-03 18:18:50 (UTC)

On Being a Dumbass

How do I begin such a complex and provocative topic? I"m
writing this essay solely to explain and identify an
increasingly prevalent creature found in today's society,
namely the dumbass. Found in all areas of the world this
reature seems untamed by educatoin and common principles,
the Darwin Awards distinguish the most prominent
dumbasses. Now one may think that identifying dumbasses
moreover evaluating the situations involving dumbasses
constitutes a level of arrogance of the author. Yeah,
well, whatever, I do what I want!
First and foremost how do we identify a dumbass? What
attributes are common to all dumbasses? Right off the bat
I would like ot establish that a dumbass is commonly
afflicted by a diseased known as stupidity. Stupidity
knows no boundaries amongst demographies, infecting the
rich, poor, and ironically the intelligent. It knows no
races, genders, and many argue one of its symptoms is
Religion. Our society with it's uncanny ability to adapt
to viruses took the necessary precautions with the
knowledge that stupidity is an undiscriminating societal
problem. Hence we have coffee cups that say "caution
coffee is hot", warnings on gun barrels saying, "please
point me away from y our face", and jars that tell you
which way to twist their lid, just so that you don't spend
the rest of your life with that jar of pickles. The
warnings, cautions, and instructions are everywhere to be
found, yet curiously dumbasses still circumnavigate them
and manage to fuck themselves up. This goes to show that
stupidity is sextremely adaptive and continues to grasp
normal people and turns them into dumbasses. Basically
dumbasses can be divided into two categories, namely the
non-dangerous and the dangeroius, or in other words, those
that fuck themselves up by being dumbasses, and those that
fuck others up due to being a dumbass. First allow me to
present to you the non-dangerous dumbasses.
"Non-dangerous" dumbasses inflict pain, misery, discomfort
on themselves or those only closely intwined in the
situatoin. I put non-dangerous in quotesw as they may at
time hurt others along with themmselves. HOever, the
total "casualty rate" is quite miniscule on a whole so
from a fucked up utilitarian skewed view, they cause the
least harm to the masses (atleast when compared to
dangerous dumbasses). Here is a perfect example of a non-
dangerous dumbasss. A cashier was being trained for his
position at the local fast food restaurant. Along with
the training they told him that if he were ever robbed to
place a stack of money with the rest that contained a
paint bomb that would taint the money. Several times he
was asked if he understood the concept and he even
repeated the instructoins.
"If someone robs me, I slip them the paint money and as
they walk through the exit, it will trigger and blow up,
taininting the money."
All's well. Until he decides to rob his own cash
register. Clandestine as can be he shoves the money down
the front of his pants along with the paint money. He
strolls out the exit and triggers the paint bomb.
Needless tosay no punitive damages were given even though
the damage done was quite severe. REally such and example
shouldn't surprise us. I mean come on, we've all watched
FOX before right? World's Dumbest Criminals 37 is my
personal favorite. Cops is a prime eample of dumbasses.
How someone can push his car to 120 mph down a school zone
with enough crack on him to make ODB happy, then try to
casually explain to 50 officers holding him at gunpiont
that he just needed to deliver his cousin's car (whose
names is always elusive) to him is beyond me.
Drs. must witness even more non-dangerous dumbasses than
cops. A la russian roulette with a semi-automatic. Many
dumbasses must have confronted them with a story of
how "the damn gerbil just puolled down my pants and
treated my asshole like a Tunnel at rush hour." Or how my
genitals got themselves stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
Alas, so many examples. But hitherto I've really only
focused on physical harm. Psychological harm is also self-
administered by non-dangerous dumbassses who allow
dangerous dumbasses to pervade their thoughts. any talk
show is a great manifestatoin of the stupidity virus
waiting to harm an unsuspecting potential dumbass. As
there are talkshows there are also drugs and alcohol. Not
only do these harmful substances create dumbasses (most
times short-term) but they also become the very excuse for
being a dumbasss. So we get the excuses of,
"I just wanted to see if my 2 yr. old daughter could take
a punch" from the drunk abusive father or
"He was disrespectin' my baby mama's cousin's sisters's,
grandmother's wheel chair, so naturally I had to blast
him." from your local crackhead.
To keep us from such horrible, momentarily hedonistic,
infectations of stupidity we have relationships/love that
although meant to be a dumbass reverter many times spawn
dumbasses. I'm not just referring to relatoinship with
carnal inclinations, but also normal friendships.
Everywhere we find dumbasses who lie, cheat, and steal.
Many times these dumbasses complain that there's no
specific codex to adhere to. Namely, "ooooooo getting my
dick sucked is sex?" Come on people we all know when
we're being a dumbass. To go off on a tangent for a split
second, that's waht bugs me the most about dumbasses, 99%
of the time they know it. So is this it for non-dangerous
dumbasses? Identified as those that cause
physcial/psychological harm in restricted situations?
MOstly, there are too many examples and aaspects really
but that is the most succinct synopsis. Next we have the
not so funny dangerous dumbasses.

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