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2002-08-03 12:47:29 (UTC)

Ugggh...and more UGGH!

Yea well, my first entry, and it doesn't start with agood
thing. I hate myself for being so shy! I can't go to the
market alone, or watch a movie, or even just take a walk.
Itwould take me so long to go through things like, what
would people think of me, do they see me like this, do they
think I'm that, or will they like me, do they think I'm
funny...well, practically everything, before I even started
doing. And honestly, it's really frustating! I moved from
one high school to another in two years time, got a total
number of three.
Kids picked on me at my 1st school, and they never seemed
to get enough out of me. I don't mean to get all
melancholic, but God, c'mon, what did they expect me to do??
The second was quite ok, but I was not a normal person
anymore. There was just too much anxiety, fear, and all
those thing that I felt to get close to people. In the end,
I was alone again, and everbody seemed to think of me
as 'school geek'. Well, I started the third last week.
The thing is, there's going to be like a school festival,
where students can perform, you know, like sing or dance,
drama, etc. Now I've seen some of the students practice on
their dancing, and at that very moment I knew I could just
do as damn well, if not better (I LOVE dancing, I've been
doing that for long). What sucks is, since I'm new, I just
somehow couldn't get the courage to ask them if I could
join, and I know it has everything to do with that shyness
thing again! I'm beginning to get tired! I want to live
like a normal person!! I mean, it takes me longer to think
about how I'd ask to join, then it does imagining what it'd
be on stage! And I wouldn't be able to stand it seeing them
perform, knowing I could be there too, but ends up watching
instead just because I'm too afraid to ask!?
I'm not always like this. Before that first school, I was
FINE, those damn kids made me where I am now, and I hate
What's more fucking annoying was my parents. I was just
about to talk to them, and they went all out about how I
always focused on myself etc etc. Well, maybe it was
because they've put up with me for the last two years, and
they're beginning to get tired of my whining and
everything, but I just hoped that they would listen, you
know. I don't know what to say, they have already gave up
tons of money to send me here and there, but I don't need
money right now. I need someone to talk to, anyway parents,
thanks for the money!
I need attention, I need someone who could get me out of! Let's say I'm able to overcome this, and then
do perform on stage at last, if my parents come watching,
they would just be proud to see me up there, but would they
care or even know what I have to go through behind? A big
fat NO!
Everytime I tried to tell them, esp. my Mom, she said that
I always scream at her, and hurt her in the end of our
argument and that she's sad about it. Well, SORRY Mom!
I never meant that, but now she doesn't even want to listen
to me again, and so I have to be ok with that.
I just want her to listen, to understand, not getting mad
and frustrated at me because I can't stand up or be brave
to people. Isn't she supposed to help me? Isn't she
supposed to be right there, and encourage me? Not saying
I'm too pesimistic, and all things like that? I DO hope
that if I make my goals one day, she'd be the one I could
thank, but so far it doesn't seem so. Could you get parents
and friends altogether?

cheerio, babybear

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