*Shani*

Blind My Eyes
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2002-08-03 02:45:52 (UTC)

*BaD DaY*

Ok, so today wasn't half as bad as Wednesday, but damn.
I've realized that maybe my ex was right and I won't find
anyone else who can love me... even like me for that
matter. I don't know if I should just go back to him or
what. Maybe things have just changed and if you're a couple
you're supposed to have fights like that... It seems all
any other guy wants from me is sex, and I'm not giving in
to anyone, so no one is even looking at me... I don't know.
Damnit....
Anyway. Wednesday.... Got stuck in Robinson, PA which is
about an hour drive from here. Trish's power steering belt
snapped and all her anti-freeze and power steering solution
leaked out... If it would have happened on the highway...
ya know, I don't even wanna think about that.
My bithday is this Sunday... and so far, no one really
seems to give a shit. I was talking to one of my "friends"
and she even said she didn't give a shit. Of course this is
the same girl who told me I looked like a puppy and I'm
fat... she's 176, I'm like 124, but I'm fat. Yep, gotta
love "close friends" ya know?
I need out of here... too bad I don't have a car or
anything.
I feel like I'm losing my friends, cept Trish and Hannah.
I love those two like they are my sisters... I just don't
want our friendships to fade too...I don't think I could
handle that.
I'm finding that I like Jake a lot... thing is, not only
do I think he doesn't like me, he got really screwed in his
last relationship, therefore, does not want another one
yet... Too bad I can't just put my guard up... Living would
be so much easier. I could just kinda mess around w/
whoever I wanted and not feel any guilt about it... but I'm
not just gonna have sex w/ some guy because I'm bored.
That's disgusting. I don't wanna have to alter my life
because of AIDS or something... I have too many plans for
that, but why can't love just go screw itself... Or maybe
I'm just being too harsh... Either way. It sucks.
I am so excited about school starting... Hopefully I get
a job at Country Corner so I can get a car this year.
Prom's this year too. Have to pay my own way for it... I
usually dread school starting... but right now I'm
like, "Yes, get me outta this house!" Maybe I'm just weird.
I didn't realize how much I had been writing/typing... I
have just had so much on my mind, it's driving me crazy.
Michael told me my lifestyle had changed, and I know he's
right, and I'm wondering if it should have... Sure the
parties and stuff are great, but I think it's just a hole
in the ground to stick my head in... but I can't just lay
around the house all day. I might go back to him and I can
almost guarantee that would be a bad thing...
I will keep going to the parties and stuff, just keep
myself in check. Not let it get too out of hand, and if it
does, I'll just smack myself or something. lol
I started smoking again... I'd like to quit, but damn.
Instead of eating, I smoke and right now, it's helping me
keep my diet, but I don't know which is worth it in the
long run... Being fat or lung cancer... either one would
suck, so I think I might just smoke.... for a while at
least. It feels so wrong while I am.
Well, I'm gonna bounce... I'll probably write again soon.
This has helped me get a lot of things off my chest and I
can Not write as fast as I can type. lol

*Peace*Love*
Shannon


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