my mixed up world
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2001-07-08 04:49:11 (UTC)

Thinking of HIM

As I go about my day, I try not to think of him, of what
he's thinking how he feels. But my thoughts drift to him. I
can't help it, can't stop it, and to be honest I don't know
if I want to. Did I do something to upset him? Am I not
enough? Thoughts like this run through my mind all day and
night. If I called him would it be too much. Am I going
psycho? Like Wendy? I don't want to and I don't think I am
but what if? What if he stopped caring, did he ever? I
don't know. I told him I wanted to send him something, but
what? Considering that I can't send the book (it's too big,
PowerPuffGirls book). What can I send him that could
express the emotions I'm feeling? Does it matter anyway?
Well I can't do anything until I get his address so I guess
I'll just wait and see if he gives it to me. And then we'll
go from there. Good plan. I wish someone was with me to
take my mind off of him. People here seem too young or too
old. I used to be able to walk up to stangers and make
friends or conversation at the least but not anymore. These
people intimidate me. Katii with all of her antics
would be welcome company right now, the beach would be quite fun with
her.Corey would be even more fun considering that she's boycrazy and
just got done with a relationship. I can't even begin to think of the
fun we'd have. Mom says we might not be home on the 7th, that would
SUCK considering that Corey Caroline and I have a "date" on the 7th
to see "crazy/beautiful" I don't know what I'll do or how I'll
tell Corey and Caroline. I still have my calling card so I
could use that/ maybe if I know tomorrow what day we'll go
back then I can call and plan for another "date" with them,
I hope so. Anyways, seeing John was weird, not MY John but
my sister's godmother's son, if that makes sense. He's
gotten so big, I hardley recognized him. He's a big
football player now, I remember when we used to play house
together. I wonder what his buddies would say about those
pictures. lol! Thinking about John Feeney (my sister's
godmother's son) makes me think about my John (Horvath in
case you were wondering) I really and truely believe that
I'm in love with him. I've never felt this way, before. Not
one of my boyfriends have made me feel quite like this. I
don't know how to describe it, I don't know if I could. If
you've ever been in love you'll know what I mean, what I'm
talking about I just wish I could look into the future to
see if this will go anywhere. Will he hurt me? This makes
me think of this song by Trisha Yearwood: "I would have
loved you anyway, I'd do it all the same, not a second I
would change, not a touch that I would trade, had I known
my heart would break, I would've loved you anyway."
See what I mean because I think if I do get hurt in the end
it was worth it because I've never felt love this pure and
true. I don't know maybe I'll get hurt and maybe I won't
either way I wouldn't change this for the world. One thing
I really love about him is that he read (from one of those
e-mail surveys) that the best feeling in the world for me
is to have a guy run his fingers through my hair and so the
next time we were alone, I was watching a movie wiht him
and he started running his fingers through my hair and I
fell asleep, but he just let me sleep and kept on doing it.
It was wonderful to wake up in his arms like that. A
feeling I can't even begin to describe.

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