Firevixen

.. sugar clouds and pepermint dreams..
2002-08-02 19:30:24 (UTC)

Words will be my destruction...

Journal... it looks like I might have to leave you soon.
And it's a shame, but I have to do it for Bryan. I wish I
could make him see.. make him understand what I'm going
through and how I feel. I wish I could freeze people and
walk up to them and tell them how I feel because whenever I
try to do.. they yell at me.
Journal... here I always feel safe with you. I feel safe
wherever you are, because I know you'll always listen. I
know that you won't judge me because you know that it's
just a part of growing up. It's something that I have to
face and run through, and you'll be there on the other side
to see that I came out a better person. I wish Bryan could
see that journal.. And I know he's reading you. I know lots
of people are.. But that's because I let them. For once in
my life I have started to let people in and see how I
think. See how I perceive the world and how I'm slowly
started to grow up.
Journal... thankyou for growing up with me. But now I
feel that my words are only hurting people, and hurting me.
I just can't let go of them. They are the only thing I
have. What few sentances and thoughtless words I can put
together to almost make sense... I can't give it up. But I
just want people to see... see that I am a person too. See
that I have to grow up as well and that I talk through it
all. Not everything I put in you is true, but you never
seemed to mind. It's just me trying to get through my every
day thoughts and problems by writing them down. But no one
sees or even understands that's what I'm doing. I'm trying
to grow up...
We've been through a lot journal. You've changed many
faces, but with each one you've grown as I have. And when I
open that new book or click for a new entry, we get
stronger... and older. You've seen me change handwritting,
you've seen every guy I've ever thought was remotely cute.
You've seen things I've done that I haven't told anyone
else. But you know that as long as I tell you.. as long as
I get it out somehow.. I'll keep growing. But the sad thing
is, I can't even tell everything while you're on the
internet. It's inevitable that someone I know will find it,
and then my secrets wouldn't be secrets, would they? I
guess I'll have to start writing by hand again...
Bryan... ::sighs:: I know you're reading this..
obviously. Why else would you have yelled at me for 5 min
straight? You know I hate it when people yell at me... But,
age didn't matter. When I told you that in the beginning I
was telling the truth. I never once thought you were
younger than me.. but.. as long as you keep yelling at me,
I will start to think that. I'm going to be saying things
that aren't the truth for a while. I know you've told me
that you just don't want the distance anymore, but the fact
is Bry I still love you and I'm having to get over it.
But.. you're wanting me to get over you faster than my
body/heart/mind whatever.. is willing to. I have to take it
at my own pace, and as long as you keep yelling at me.. and
telling me the same things over and over again, you're just
pouring salt into my wounds. And I want you to stop it. You
blocked me because you were pissed. Fine. I NEED to be
alone anyway. I just want to remember the good times we
had, but the truth is I have to go through this horribly
painful process of getting over you first. You're not
letting me do that... and I need to. I have to... or it'll
drive me insane. You don't know how bad it's affected me,
and I hope you never find out. And I'll never tell you
because it doesn't really matter anymore...
I know age doesn't matter, and it doesn't. But you have
to step back and look that we are a year a part without
taking it offensively. You haven't been through a
depression where you wanted to die every minute of the day.
You will one time or another go through it, and just as I
did last year, you'll learn more about yourself that you
thought possible. I know when I'm pmsing, I know when I'm
depressed, I know when I'm in over my head, and I know when
to get out. You're probably overly pissed at me now, but
it's going to happen. The truth is Bryan, we had something
great, and you just didn't want to do it anymore. But did
you everthink it's because... you weren't ready for
it? ::Sighs:: That probably made you more mad, but I can't
do anything about it. A year apart at this age can me a lot
of difference maturity wise. My therapist even said that I
think like an 18 year old.. I'm not going to wait for you.
I got a life here that I have to struggle with. So, I'm
going to wish you luck for the next 3 years in highschool.
You can do whatever you want when you put your mind to it.
I told you that when you were here, and that I have faith
in you, and I always will. Nothing will change that. I'm
going to block you now, and when I'm not crying anymore,
and when I can eat again, and when I can stop loving you as
much as I did, I'll unblock you.. But for this moment, I
need to be alone and away from you because you're making it
fucking hard to go through this whole "getting over"
process. Have a great life. Oh.. you broke two promises
Bryan. You promised that we'd be together forever... and
that you'd always love me.


LATER SPACE COWBOY...




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