witchprod

sunshine, oh why?
2002-08-02 16:55:20 (UTC)

hahaha! my life is perfect, and yours sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would like to just take this time to rub it in the face
of all the people who im me throughout the day from ny
complaining about how much their life sucks and that they
are sick of hearing me say that im really happy becasue i
used to be the miserable one. haha suck on that!!!! yeah
thats right, im happy. and everything is perfect. dont get
me wrong, i still hate my job, and the lack of money, but
who needs that shit when you have someone like joe, who
reads "the vampire lestat" to you at night, lounging on a
comfy couch outside, while you stare out into the night sky
occasionally lit by lightning. sounds pretty hot right?
cause it is. its all i ever wanted. peace. and its all for
real. im slightly dreading the moment he gets the new book
in the vampire cronicals, but then ill just start recording
and he wont even notice me do it. so by buying this book
for him... i would be killing 2 birds with one stone, he
would be happy and content for hours, and love me for being
the sweety that i am, and i would be able to record with
him around cuase he zones out when he reads, and he'll do
this for hours. ahhh could i find a better match for
myself, hell no. i have even kept up with cleaning the apt.
i was a little worried about when joe got back after me
making my apt perfect that i would lose intrest in it all
together, and let it go back to shit. haha im not. the one
thing that really pisses me off about my apt is the
unfinished peice of shit dresser in my bedroom. it took
entirely too much effort to get the finish off of it, and
im not even half way done. im about to attack it with
paint, and just say fuck the varnish, it would come out
looking like total crap but at least the fucker would be
one color. ok i think its time i start writing about my
pathetic little life in the past again, continue on with my
life story. yippy.
its quite pathetic how my life really does revolve around
guys, im trying to think of something to write about my
past that doestn have to do with my ex's cause im gettin
really sick of writing about all of that. ahhh i could go
back even further, to a point where i started likeing boys,
that would be like the day i was born. i was always a
horney little bitch even when i wasnt capable of doing
anyting with them. i guess i am a romantic, in some sick
twisted way. i dont know. my child hood was typical, haha
no not really. lets see where do i begin?
GIRLSCOUTS
lucky me, my mother took part in so many of my childhood
shit, she of course was the girlscout leader, along with
some other mothers, but she really did everything. i dont
know if it really bothered me that much back then. probably
not because i was looked at as sort of important cause my
mother was the one doing everything, and making us get
involved and she was looked up at. and i was her daughter
so that made me a little important. i went from brownies,
to juniors, to cadetts, never was a senior never was a
daisy. we started out with brownies, fuck the daisy's they
were too young to do anything, and there was never anything
you could actually accomplish that young anyway, you
couldnt earn any badges, and you couldnt go anywhere other
than the main functions that were held. i never became a
senior (at least thats what i think they were called, i
dont remember) im surprised i made it that far. i hated
pretty much everyone there, and they were only nice to me
(so it seems) cause of my mother. outside of girlscouts,
they never spoke to me. i find it quite amusing how after
cadets, some of the girls continued, and called it "club"
becasue if they said girlscouts they would probably get
their asses kicked, and my mother no longer did it after
that so they were on their own. hah. ok back to the story.
that shit boosted my self esteem slightly, just slightly
cause i got to prove to those blond bitches that i was in
some way, better than them. i could do anything. we used to
put on plays for senior citizens comunities and shit like
that, and when we were picking out who would play which
caracters, it was kind of cool. see, megan lee (the popular
blond girl that everyone loved (excluding me)) got the lead
part, of course but i got the next one, based on the fact
that i was just good. not because of my mother, or becasue
they liked me or anything. i can act. back then i really
wanted to be part of the croud and popular but that damn
brown hair of mine always stood in the way. it was the 3
blonds who were always looked up at. megan lee was first,
then shannon, her sidekick, then sherri, but sherri wasnt
in girlscouts, so she wasnt really that important, but then
i was the other megan, and later it was katelyn. those
fuckin names i'll never forget cause i grew up with them,
not litterally but they were the ones i was forced to be
friends with. even back then i was iritated by them. so it
was me and jessie once again, if she wasnt clinging on to
someone else already. she has a habbit of doing that.
finding someone and clinging on to them for dear life, and
i would be nothign once again. sickening now that i think
of it. i was pretty much alone, never really had my own
little group to hang out with, i was almost friends with at
least one person in each group. groups even formed back
then, because at girlscouts, there would be tables, so you
had to pick your friends. you didnt have a choice to just
be by yourself. i would sit at random tables every day, or
if i got there first, then i would pick any table and sit
and watch to see if anyone would join me. they would
eventually, but only if there was enough room for me, them
and all their friends that they promised to sit next to. i
wonder if any of them would have been pissed to find out
that im writing about them. we would go on feild trips all
the time, after we would collect lots of money from
fundraisers and shit, like girlscout cookies and nuts and
garage sales and shit shit shit. we went to washington dc,
hershey park, omish country, camping at the greenhouse (ahh
memories) and i cant remember where else we went but there
were a bunch of places. oh yeah, we went to salem too. that
was freaky, even to me. so where do i begin, washington dc,
was boring i think, cause im really not into any of that
shit, i really remember that trip quite well, probably
because i have pictures of some of it. that was later on in
the girlscout thing though where i was so ready to quit. i
was about to hit that age, no actually i hit that age where
i was miserable and depressed and no one liked me. so i'll
just skip dc cause it sucked. hershey park was the same
way, but i guess i had some fun there, i was dating al at
the time so i was dieing to get back, pa is so pretty
though, and the omish country thing was the same trip. then
there was camping at the greenhouse which was fuckin
ausome. the greenhouse wasnt an actual greenhouse, it was
just a house that was painted green, and really old and in
the middle of nowhere. i loved it. even being stuck with
all those brats i still had a really good time just because
it was really nice there. we would really piss the hell out
of my mother though cause we would never sleep and really
horse around all night, literally. we would camp out under
the stars sometimes which was so amazing to me. i have
never done anythning like that before, and it was just so
great. just imagine falling asleep under the stars and
watching the clouds move by, then when you wake up, if you
even go to sleep, you get to watch the sun rise, and warm
up with the sun. im cheesey like that though i like that
sort of thing. its not the same now, waking up in my car
and sweating my ass off just istn as cool as camping
outside with noghitn over your head, in the middle of a
feild. ahh i wanna go back! do that here you'll be eaten
alive by misquitos and aligators probably. so those trips
were really cool. there would be these trips that we would
go on that would be quite weird, all of the girlscout
troups would get together and do some international shit.
my mother would alway pick the weirdest most dificult
countries like portugal and poland. come on we had to do
poland cause my mother is polish and she knew what to do
with that cause my grandmother was obsessed with that
culture, and still is. so we would be the girlscout troup
that would just do the weird countries that no one else
wanted to do. but im like that too. i make things difficult
for myself on purpose usually cause im weird. me and my
mother dont like to take the easy way out of things. so
portugal and poland it was. we made some of the most fucked
up crafts there, i dont remember some of them but i know we
painted on tiles, and spun around buttons on strings. dont
ask. the ghettoness of girlscouts can not be explained in a
journal entry. so i think that might sum up my girlscout
experience, it wasnt horrible, it was an experience, and
something to do. got to see some places i probably wouldnt
have by myself, and learn who not to be friends with. see
even back then i was an outcast!
GIRLSCOUT CAMP
this had nothign to do with the girlscout troup i was in.
our troup would never go to girlscout camp, i was the only
one who would. all the girlscouts of all the troups in the
county would go to a far off camp for a month or so. that
was great. camp edey and camp sabacco. i liked camp edey so
much, and i still have dreams about that place. camp
sabacco sucked, i dont remember it at all. i went to camp
edey every summer by myself, and left by myself. i would
make some friends that i would hang out with just becuase
you had to pick a tent when you first got their. they were
like mini houses, with 5 beds each. no door just a tarp
over a wooden structure that had beams on the floor. you
velcro the thing shut. there were about 7 of these things
to every site. the sites were called, venus, plaidies,
star, pixey, willowbees (or something) and some other one.
when i went there they separated it by age group. the young
ones would stay at willowbees the one close to the exit and
where the head aid was. the older girls would be on the
other side of the lake, venus was the closest one, and star
was the furthest away. that was where there were fires, and
they didnt like having girls down there at all. i dont
knnow if any of the stories are true but they said that
someone died by burnign in one of the tents, and it took
too long for the firefighters to get down there to save
her. probly some bullshit ghost story to freak people out
about the site. in the middle of the night after we would
play with the oijia board, we would dare each other to go
down to star. everyone would get into major trouble if
anyone found out cause it is far and you are only aloud to
leave to go to the bathroom and you have to bring an aid
with you. i was the bad girl at girlscout camp, sneeking
cigarettes in the back of the tent, (no smoking on the
grounds at all) but how would they find out? its not like
its enclosed and you can smell it. i remember the last time
i was there someone stole my cigarettes after they saw them
in my lunchbox, and wanted them. i was pissed. i really
miss that place the most though, minus the people. it would
take about 35 mins to walk to where the hall was (where we
ate) and watched movies on fridays and do all that cheesey
gs shit. we had to walk down this narrow path that had
beams on the ground next to the lake, the walk was an
eternity, and even when you get there, you still had to
wait cause everyone had to show up and be accounted for,
every site. it was an experience for sure. i miss it
sometimes, like how inocent everyone was, and how nothing
in the real world had any effect on us at all. and i was
cool.
BATON TWIRLING
i told you i could do everything... i was really good, i
guess it was in my blood or something cause selina did it
too. i took classes on thursdays at some other school far
from mine. i didnt know anyone and i spoke to no one. we
would always win first place too, even when we were really
young, i never took it that far though, once again that all
stopped once i got to middle school. everything stopped
when i went there. but back to this, see there were always
these really gay rutines that we would do, but to really
cool dance songs of the late 80s. lol. i remember my whole
family thinking i was adorable casue i would really shack
my ass and get really into it. its actually all on tape. i
was never the lead or anything cause i was too talll and
they liked the little girl who was cuter than me. i was
always pretty tall for all my classes, i would usually be
in a line up with hight and i would be the second to last
next to the really big fat girl who just seemed to be doing
her own thing anyway. i saved my trophies for a while, but
it seemed like my mother really wanted to get rid of them
cause they were taking up space or something. i thought i
was special, but aparently not. i wanted to be like my
sisters at that time, there was always a trophy that
marlena had by her door, for a beauty pagent or soemthing
and selina had a million trophies for everything, she did
more than both of us. so baton twirling wasnt that bad,
minus the fact that it was just cause it was fun and not to
socialize like everyone else. just something to do.
THE FRESH AIR FUND
my mother is a fuckin freak. she loved doing the oddest
things possible for me when i was little. we like addopted
a kid from nyc for a month and let her live with us. i
guess she did it cause she felt bad that i had no friends
but it wasnt like people thought i was cooler by having
some freak live with us. i mean yeah it was nice to have
someone around who was my age, but it got anoying and
aucuard cause i wouldnt be able to do anyting without her.
we had her live with us for 3 or 4 summers, i cant
remember. finally it stopped, and i was happy about it, but
she was mad. she hated the bronx and really wanted to live
out in the suburbs with us. she actually called us a few
years ago to tell us that she had a kid and she was doing
ok. sorry but thats not great news to hear concidering she
was only 16 when she had him. im keeping the name
annonymous cause i dont want to get involved wiht that
agian. people made fun of me because it but they knew it
wasnt my doing, it was all my mother's thing.
DANCE CLASS
i took ballet, tap and jazz for a little while, i really
wanted to do pointe but i wasnt in ballet for long enough
for them to let me. i was alway in the lower classes cause
of my age, and they would always suck. i really wanted to
be in the other classes cuase i knew i could do it, but i
was really really lazy and never practiced at all. i would
just go in there and wing it. and not do too bad either. i
didnt try and i really should have. lucky me shit like that
sticks with me forever so when i dance now, im half good
cause i konw how to move and have it all come together.
shhhh when im home by myself and no one is around, i blast
bjork, sing and dance like a little ballerina, im good what
can i say. i dont care! i watch stuff on tv and see the
whole riverdance thing and people tap dancing and laugh my
ass off cuase to me that is the easyest thing to do in the
world. it takes no talent at all, tap is pathetic and looks
dumb too. lmao im good. jazz i was only in for a little
while cause it started to get on my nerves, everyone was
older than me and they really didnt show me any of their
moves, they expected me to just konw already, and i had no
friends at all, no one would takl to me. at least in the
other classes they would talk, i didnt exist in jazz. thats
when i quit. it wasnt worth it, and if i couldnt dance
without being a part of there little click then it wasnt
worth it.
ART CLASS
maby thats why people thought i was weird or soemthing,i
was an artist, and they were extreemly jealous or
something, yeah right. there were a few occasions where i
was highly praised by my art teacher, like when my drawing
of a still life showed up on the cover of the calender for
the smithtown school district, and my stuff was in
displays. this was still only in elementry school. my
teacher loved me. i was always doing weird shit, and takign
things to the next level. i hated having a fuckin
substitute though, she would treat me like a little child
who didnt know what i was doing ( even though i was a
child) but i was always doing my own thing and i hated when
she made me do what she wanted. i remember on time when we
were doing fingerpainting and i was bored and done with my
picture so i started painting on the smock on myself. not
realizing htat paint does go threw that and doesnt save you
from stuff that you purposly do. so i ruined my shirt and
had to go to the lost and found at take a shirt. not cool
at all. my mother threw both of them out when i got home,
there was just not saving the shirt i painted on. that was
funny. sounds like something i would do now in my
drunkeness, on purpose just cause it would feel cool. my
childhood really is a reflection of how i would turn out in
the future. a freak.
RELIGION CLASS
my mother did everything!!! yes she was the religion
teacher too. first she was the teacher for a few grades
older than me so i wouldnt have to deal with her just yet
but when i finally got up to that grade, that sucked. never
saw her that coming but she expected me to konw everyting
about the bible and be the best student there, quite the
opposite, i never did my homework, never payed any
attention, always got yelled at for talking in class, and
in church, i was a little brat, which she should have known
since i told her that im not catholic, at a young age. ever
since i was probably old enough to write i wrote down that
i pretended to be sick on sundays. even if that ment that i
would stay home all day and not go out than go to church, i
would make that sacrafice just cause i hated going so
fuckin much. so religion class was on wednesdays, the day i
hated most of all. all until i started likeing a kid there,
then my mother started hating me cause i would really never
pay attention then. just to him, passing notes around the
classroom. i made it difficult too, i sat on one side of
the room and he sat on the other with my mother in between
us, it was more challenging that way. god i hated religion
class. and eveyrone that worked there was such an asshole.
they were so un-catholic to me. just their whole bitchy
attitude, i thought they were sapposed to be all about
forgivness and shit but no, they were the biggest assholes
i know. such the opposite of what that whole religion was
sapposed to be based on but i guess that theory was thrown
out the window long ago. they hated all us brats, none of
them are true catholics then to me, jsut because they dont
practice what they fuckin preach, and when you do act nice
and sweet and forgiving they dont notice or just ignore
you. im going to write an entire journal entry about this
whole fucked up religion at another time, now im just gonna
finish what i started. overall religion class sucked, it
sucked royally and there is NOTHING i can say that would be
good about it.
CHEERLEADING
did you ever think you would hear or read that word for
that matter, from me? yeah i tried out and everyting in 6th
grade casue i was all into that activities after school is
cool and all that. it didnt last past the first audition. i
made the first cut, and didnt go to the second cut. who
konws if i could have made it. i dont know but something
told me to stay far away from all of that, and just go to
highschool like a normal teen and try and stay out of the
whole group thing. groups are bad, very very bad, and i
finally got that threw my thick little head. i would
actually practice for that to get into it. i wastn really
into it though and its not like i had any freinds to tell
me to do it cause they were or anything, i was just doing
it for the fuck of it again. i was brainwashed till i got
to the middleschool, and it had to stop. i learned quickly.

so does it sound like i had a normal child hood, i dont
know, it wasnt all bad i dont htink but the whole being
left out and lonely thing didnt bother me as much back then
as it did in highschool. it doenst bother me at all now but
i have reasons for that. i like being alone now, but with
joe. lol. i was a good little girl and was quite active, i
did gymnastics too but i didnt feel like mentioning that
cause its boring and i can jsut say now that i did all of
that too and i liked it. cant most of it now cause im a
smoker, but i can still put my legs behind my head like a
pretzel and do a split and if i tried probably a flip or
so.
impressed?

not what you wuold expect from a "little miserable inactive
smoking drinkin goth girl" i have reasons damit! and to tie
this all together, im fuckin happy now! and funny i am
actually going back to being active again, hmmmmmm use your
emagination, no seriously i rollerbladed and stuff and i
might even concider going outside again, yeah i was talking
about sex. if thats not active what is?




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