S

trapdoors
2002-08-02 06:52:08 (UTC)

married to the sea

THE DESPERATE THINGS YOU MADE ME DO
(MAGNETIC FIELDS)

Time provides the rope
But love will tie the slipknot
and I will be the chair you kick away
You don't even like anything you like
or the people you know
and all of your reasons to stay alive died

chorus:
I dedicate this song to you
for all the desperate things you made me do
I'd like to beat you black and blue
for all the agony you have put me through.

Front seat stained with love
A back seat full of bibles
purloined from the drawers of lost motels
They say when you're older you'll understand
you know it's a lie
'cause you've got a twisted and mangled heart

chorus

Down route 66 you pilfered love and green stamps
W.C. Fields with Mae West in your eyes
They say every clock's a blunt instrument crushing the
skull
But you've got a vice to rest your head in.

chorus

what a fucking great song. i've been listening to it a lot
this summer. everyone should listen to Magnetic Fields, at
least once. at least listen to "i don't want to get over
you", and "i can't touch you anymore". two of my favorites
aside from the above.

well i'm trying to stay in a decent mood these days and the
past couple days have been really good for me, i've been
working out almost every day. that seems to be the only
thing that gets me high. aside from illegal drugs.
the only thing that is helping me from hating myself.
but i still have those silly expectations floating around
in my head. even now. even still.
i have put off doing something i said i was going to do.
one small step for myself. but i'm debating. i don't know
if it is worth it. i'm running out of time and making a
new life for myself far away from this godforsaken town,
should i do something that would make me want to stay in
it? fuck no. i should just keep my memories and walk
away. and think about myself. concentrate on trying to
feel alive.
the only problem is, he could do that for me. i mean i
feel alive in his presence. like no one else. everyone i
come across who i think is attractive, or funny, and sweet,
nice, i just don't feel that thing. that thing you are
supposed to feel about someone you like a lot, or love.
i've felt that twice in my life. i thought i felt it three
times, but he was only a strong crush/obsession. and ended
up using me in the end. maybe that's all anyone is though,
just a strong crush. a person that you want so badly to be
someone you can stand living with for the rest of your
life. but there's no one that ideal. i'm convinced.
there are only those who are almost perfect. at least in
your eyes they are.

whatever. i don't know what i'm typing about. i just know
that i want to feel appreciated. and it seems i'm the only
one who can appreciate myself right now. because i looked
good today in a cute dress/fishnets/black heels/curled
hair, and i felt like i was getting ready to go out to a
club or something and see someone i really liked, only to
find out the club was half empty and he was no where in
sight.

i think it is nature's way of telling me that, "suzanne you
must stop dressing up for others and dress up for yourself."
seriously.
i used to be looked at as so independent, i didn't care
about anyone or what anyone thought for the longest time.
from about age 18 to 22 i wasn't interested in any
particular boy and it felt wonderful. indifference to the
male species. it was so great. who gave a fuck if this
boy liked me or not, i didn't care one way or the other. i
would talk to anyone, no matter how good looking they were,
because i didn't care if they thought i was ugly or not.
that was so liberating. but now i've grown back into my
old ways, when i was 16 and so madly obsessed with josh.
god what i wasted on him. all that time i could have had
for myself and doing well in school. but i learned from
that at least. ...or did i? but no, this one is not like
him, not at all. he is virtually an island of his own.
and it's the most attractive thing in the world. and for
the little times i've gotten to know him and the times he's
gotten to know me it felt like being on that island
together. if only just for a short time. it's ridiculous
how long it takes to get close to someone who's afraid to
get close to people. and it's even more ridiculous when
you are both like that. it's like you move in slow motion
mentally. physically things are happening and the world is
moving and people are getting close and falling in love,
getting married, etc. but you are standing in this spot in
your mind of where you want to be and who you want to be
with and how...but you can't seem to push yourself one way
or the other. you are stuck. because you've been so used
to it i guess. the only way you ever get out of it is by
ridding yourself of your comfortableness. your safety. so
i gotta work on not being so cozy in my fear. and build
myself up to take chances. that's what i want now. so
yeah, i have a fucking goal, for once in a long long time.
we will see how it all turns out.

if my jigsaw puzzle fits together like it should or if i
will lose a few pieces here and there. or be half
complete. we will see.

"it'll happen max. it's just...you're like one of those
clipper ship captains, you're married to the sea."

"yes that's true...but i've been out to sea for a long
time."

-rushmore

s




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