eidolon

shifting mists
2002-08-02 05:36:41 (UTC)

what happened here?

.... i love the dark ... unlike my mother, who is terrified
of it .. i've always loved the dark ...

... yet ... i've noticed an odd ... i don't know what to
call it ... behavior? ...

... it seems that when i come home to an empty home .. i'm
fine until i pull up into the drive way .. until i turn off
the engine and collect my things ... until i open the
door ...

.. but ... as soon as that car door is open ... i'm
terrified .... not frightened ... not disturbed about
something .. but truly TeRRiFieD ... and the feeling
remains until i have entered the house, locked the door,
and made a "security check" of the home ...

... or even .. not just at home .. but .. say ...
hiking ... i often hike after dark (old habits die
hard) ... and .. i feel completely fine .. completely safe
and secure ... until .... until the time i have to step
from the woods into the road, or parking lot, or whatever
and cross that space to get to my car ... and then the
terror hits ... leaves me quaking until i'm in my car with
the doors locked ... and then, after a few deep breaths,
i'm fine ...

... i know there's been a lot in my life to have happened
that could cause a ... less than secure .. feeling ... and
i understand how fear can develop because of this ... but
this seems to have slowly crept up on me over the last
year ... and i really don't understand ... ~where~ did
this fear come from? ... this irrational fear that leaves
me pale and my heart wrapped in steel bands of terror and
anxiety ....

.... it seems to only strike when it is dusk or dark ...

and yet ... it's not so much a fear of darkness ... not a
fear of open spaces .. yet ... a fear of being in
an "open'' type space in the darkness ...

... it is a bit better when there is someone with me .... a
bit better if, per se, there is someone home when i get
there ... yet ... it is still there ...

... it's getting out of hand ... and bothers me greatly ...

... i just don't understand ...




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