my life
2001-07-08 01:00:11 (UTC)

july7th 2001

well this is my first entry to this diary. currently i am
18 sort of single 2 kids and trying to lose 3 more pounds
so i can join the army. i have been in the process for
about 2 months. i moved out of my apt about a month ago
thinking i was leaving within the next two weeks so now i
am staying with my dad. i have never gotten along with my
dad. he is overbearing egotistical and errogant. he is
the only person that gets to me like he always does and it
is for stupid stuff too. my children though are a
different story with him he loves them. while i am at boot
camp my father will be taking care of my kids so i can get
my career in order. i have always wanted to care for my
children not having to rely on anyone for help but with
only a ged i havent found a position that pays me enough to
support my kids solo. so i looked into the army which i
had wanted to do for a while anyway but i looked deeper to
see what exactley i would have to do to start off with the
army. the solution that was offered to me the only
solution was i would have to give my kids up for 3 years.
i think it is the only way i will be able to get a college
education and make a good life for myself and my boys. it
is a small sacrafice for the the moment i am
physically exsausted. from fighting with my dad and trying
to do this on my own my dad is giving me a place to stay
but no emotional support only battery. i find comfort in a
very few things. one the main one is a guy i met online
whos name is Jorge. i havent know him for very long but he
is great to talk to he listens and offers insight that
really helps. the other is that i will be leaving soon to
start my career. i am really begining to have some
feelings for Jorge but it is too soon to really know what
they are for now i will keep him as a friend and see what
develops. my children are my insperation everything i
think i may do i think i will do for them. instead of
having dreams i turn them to reality so my children will
have what they need and want. i grew up with very little
of anything love or materialistic. my father was so high
on whatever he had put up his nose that day to really care
what we were doing. he was so abusive and even tried to
hang himself in front of me when i was 14. i have had
severe depression from these incedents that heas formed a
desiease called dysthimia. it is a reoccurent depression
that can only be treated not cured so i will live with the
scars for the rest of my life which is something i detest.
i want only to be happy i dont want to be dependant for the
rest of my life on drugs that makes me feel like shit.
well i have things to tend to before my dad gets here so
this session will now end. Collette Ann Woodruff