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2001-07-07 17:53:11 (UTC)

Nothing to Lose

Yesterday, Jenna, Claudia and I went to World Harvest
Church's Dominion 2001 to hear Juanita Bynum preach. We
waited in line for about 2 1/2 hours to get in...

The message was about having a new heart, meaning that
instead of having the look of being a Christian or anything
else to that effect, to really be someone after God's
heart. It means letting go of those things that are
holding us back. For me, it was the fear of staying single
for the rest of my life, the doubt that any guy would
sincerely like me, the worry about what my future's gonna
look like. I gave it all to the Lord. He has it now,
praise God.

For the past couple of days, I had been kind of depressed.
Feeling like everything was falling apart. The things I
thought to be true were challenged in a big way, especially
the things that I held true about relationships. Before
this week, I thought that it was kind of simple. I liked
Pacey b/c he was cool and the kind of dude I could see
myself hooked up with. He didn't like me back like that, I
knew, and b/c he was Pacey, that fact seemed like it was
all my fault. If I lost weight, things would be different,
if I acted more outgoing, things would be different. I
knew that he seemed to admire certain things in me and
believed in my capabilities. Like when I finally found out
that I was going to be an RA this coming year. I had made
it even though only 1/3 of the applicants get chosen. When
I told Pacey, he was like, "I already knew you'd get it."
Despite the good things, he didn't want to date me, but I
figured that if he'd only grow up in maturity, things would
change. But as for that period in life, it was cool that
he sincerely wanted to be my friend.

Then the "facts" that I felt comfortable in, my idea of
things, it all fell apart. It all came tumbling down. It
was like Pacey was adamant about things never changing.
That is something that is hard to understand b/c for me, I
can think someone is really different from and not
attractive physically, and I may not want to date that
person right away, but I never X them out as having no
potential, ever...unless they've really done something
jacked up, such as the things that Bud did to where I'm not
speaking to him again. But in Pacey's mind, I'm like the
Mimi character on the Drew Carey Show. That hurts... And
the whole deal w/him and Esther--I was originally under the
impression that they didn't really speak anymore--dead
wrong. The way he saw me, and even worse, the way I saw
him...I didn't like the real was about what he
represented to me. God had been trying to show me this the
whole time, and I thought I wasn't putting Pacey on a
pedestal, but all the time I had this preconceived notion
of who Pacey was and what he should be. And it all came
falling down, and without it, there's nothing much left of
him to like. That's hard to take.

But you know what? After last night, I finally feel like I
have nothing to lose. I don't care. I don't like Pacey
anymore, but I'm not feeling bitter either. It's like
indifference. I love him as a brother in Christ, but I
don't care if he has a Giggly Girl on each arm when he
comes back to Columbus. I don't, b/c I have Jesus Christ.
I know who I am in Him, and I don't care how long I stay
single or when I meet the right dude for me or anything
like that. It's all about God.

God wants a relationship with us. The things that happen
in life, it's all so we learn something, for God to feed us
and weed us, and to draw us closer to Him.

When you have nothing to lose, everything is gain.