BlueAngel

Can't Stop Thinking About Him

Phil, the 28-year-old guy I guess you could say I'm now
seeing, is really turning out to be a cool guy. He calls
every day and comes to see me at work, and we're going on
our second date tomorrow night. I really like him, but at
the same time, I am really hesitant to just go with the
flow.

This could quite possibly turn into an awkward situation.
He's been married before... He's a churchy kinda guy...
He's 9 years older than me! I don't know if I'll be able
to get past all that, especially since I'll be leaving for
school in three weeks, which hardly gives me enough time to
get to know him.

And of course, as always, there's Tyler. He was unusually
generous with the compliments today. He was also even more
flirty than usual. The last time he started acting this
way was the few days before we started seeing each other
the second time around. Maybe it's just wishful
thinking...

Why can't I get over him? Here I've met this perfectly
nice guy who treats me like a princess and I can't get
comfy when I'm hanging out with him because I can't stop
thinking about Tyler. Why can't I just accept that Tyler
and I aren't going to get back together and move on?

It's like I'm being teased. I talk to him every day. We
tell each other how much we're still physically attracted
to each other. I can tell him everything from my deepest
feelings to my dirtiest fantasies. I've downloaded porn
with him and cuddled up with him while we watched the State
of the Union Address.... and we can still talk about all
of those times with an amazing amount of ease. I can hang
out with him and be completely comfortable. I can touch
him and look him in the eye and make jokes with him. But I
can't kiss him. I can't cuddle up in his arms and feel
like he really wants to be with me....

I miss him so much, and the more we work on this best
friends thing, the more I wish we were together... And his
compliments and flirtations only make it harder to accept
that I can't have what I wish for so badly.

The thought of starting a relationship with someone else
scares me, because I'm afraid it would make it harder for
me to be at complete ease with Tyler. I want to be able to
do whatever feels right with him, even if that involves
cuddling up to watch a movie or spending hours just sitting
together under some trees in the quad like we did when I
went to visit him.

He's the most important person in the world to me... And I
just can't stop thinking about him.