starry nite

my own world
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2002-08-01 01:51:18 (UTC)

inner reflections

i wanted to cut so badly yesterday. i didnt though. it was
hard...but its easier then it used to be. i still have
thoughts of partying and stuff but i know i wont do
it. i know better then to start avoiding my problems
with that. it wouldnt help, it would just delay
dealing with my life. its funny how often i think
about james. i know its so much better not to be with
him, i just am still hating the way things ended. i
have realized so much i did wrong while we were dating
though. i was stupid to ever believe he had changed,
to believe he would stop doing drugs. he was way to
into it. also i had sex with him for basically 2
reason. 1. he manipulated and mentally abused me til i
felt completely worthless and like thats all i had to
give to someone and 2. because at least for those few
min. we werent fighting and i actually felt wanted. i
know that sounds so fucking stupid, but its the truth.
when james asked why i made out with that guy(my
friend...the one james said i deserved to be raped b/c
of) part of my reason was b/c he liked me and that
made me feel special. im not the type of person that
just does whatever people want to make them like me,
or to feel wanted but sometimes i do things i probably
wouldnt normally do just b/c i am lonely and so i
think diffferently and do things that will make my
painful thoughts go away and that will make me happy
for the moment regardless of what it may do to me
later. anyway, as always i am rambling. its just
i have been thinking a lot lately and and slowly
realizing the reason i do things that i later regret
and i need to learn to change that.


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