FuCk3d_uP_aZn

the world through my eyes
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2002-07-31 05:28:37 (UTC)

love? BAH!

well, heres a swing at a first entry.

in my life, i admit that i made a LOT of mistakes, most of
which were only out of pleasure. but the mistakes that
weren't at my fault were what happened when i was 2, 5, and
2 months ago. it still kills me to think about it, and when
people tell me that its the past and that i should get over
it and move on, it makes me feel even worse. i can't look
at anyone straight in the eye and say i'm happy with my
life. its realli odd to type and ish in an online diary in
which people that i do and don't know could read and get
into my head. but the truth is, no one can actually get
into my head. not matter how hard they try it is, and
forever will be at a standstill.

even if i'm only 15 and a half, i have suffered my falls
and conquers. i just wish that there was more conquers than
the falls. i still remember that day when i was 2. all i
did was sit there, i didn't do anything. i didn't scream or
anything. i couldn't believe what was happening. its realli
surprising how much i can actually remember, but i guess i
have been tramatized and it will forever affect my mind,
body, and spirit.

when "big andy", my next-door neighbor that was babysitting
me that day, made me give him head, my family was of course
astounded. but justice was not served. he wasn't testified
in a courtroom or anything. there was only couseling.
although there were other things that happened, my mom
didn't want to tell me. i just remember my neighbor forcing
me to do a sexual act on him.

then when i was 5, i thought there woyuld be no more pain
in molestation or anything. i was wrong. within months of
the daycare program that i was enlisted in, i was being
sexually molested by a woman. YES A WOMAN. this is still
under investigation with the police department, only
because i just told them this year.

i still remember her telling me its a game. i still
remember the feeling of her hand making me go down on her.
i remember ever damn thing that happened. there isn't
anything there is that can replace those thoughts.

2 months ago, when i was with my boyfriend, gabe #1, he
forced me into having sex with him. i didn't want to lose
it then, i was proud that i was still a virgin. but instead
of letting me choose when i was ready, he decided that i
should fuck him and not with another guy.

he pinned me down, we were already messing around and
everything. then it went "vicious". he ripped off my bra
and underwear, pinned me down, and took away my innocence.

now that all this has happened, i can't trust any guy, and
those that i did trust, hurt me. badly. they had no
feelings for me and only admitted to using me to their
friends, which they stupidly forgot were mine also.

the thing that gets me is when i want to do something, it
will never happen. i want to lay under the stars with
someone that means so much to me. someone that i want to be
with for an extended time, maybe forever. i don't know. i
have never felt true love. i have never been told that i'm
truly loved.

i can't believe anything anyone says anymore. i once
trusted my best friend, amanda, with every secret that i
held in my heart. she then decided that her cousin, casey,
was good enough for the secret too. casey, going to my
school, decided that i should be used too.

he knew i had feelings for him and he yet AGAIN took
advantage of it on new years eve. i couldn't believe it. i
lost something that i cared about. so much. trust. trust in
casey and amanda. they were like family to me, until they
started to talk about me behind my back.

i have attempted suicide. i wont deny that. there is no
point in denying nor lying in this diary, because it is my
thoughts, feelings, dreams, and my life all in this webpage.

people don't believe me when i tell them that i was
molested 2 times and raped once and that i've attempted
suicide. they only think i'm trying to drag attention. i am
not asking for attention from others. i just want others to
know that i have problems too. and some are more severe,
and some are not even close to match their's.

everyday i'm asked "why do you care what others think of
you?" to answer that question, i wish to succeed. i want to
know if i'm doing something that satisfies everyone.
something that everyone agrees with.

love. gosh that word in my mind...is like a needle pinning
my heart close to someone elses. i admit that i do care
about someone A LOT. they know who they are. the only
problem is, they have a girlfriend. they told me they care
about me too. the same way. the thing that gets me is,
should i wait for him? should i move on? i keep thinking
that if i move on, there wont be an "us". i wonder if there
ever will be though. EVER.

just once i would like to have something that i care about.
just once. is that so much to fucking ask for? i've been
very patient, and now i have to wait longer. i have thought
about waiting for that person. but i dont think i could
last forever.

there are so many more beautiful girls out there. basically
every girl is more attractive than me. when i think about
the special guy not wanting to be with me because i'm not
as attractive as his girlfriend, it kills me. it makes me
cry when i look at myself in the mirror. so many people
tell me i'm beautiful. in my eyes, i'm not. i hate the way
i look, act, talk, dress, EVERYTHING. i try to be perfect
for other people. i jsut wish i was some one else. someone
who actually matters in this world.

okie, i'm done

i'll go cry now

-:- Meesherz -:-


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