curious

can I speak?
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2002-07-31 01:15:37 (UTC)

I'm okay

Everything is peachy.
Sometimes I just get really bummed out that I can't change
the way things are and I feel out of control of my life. I
have to control everything around me., and this situation
with scott .. I have no control over.
Sometimes I think to myself that I want to do something
hurtful to him, to make him hurt the way I do, but then my
common sense returns and I think of the consequences to
doing something like that and I slap myself and say, what
the hell are you thinking?
But it feels good to think about how I can make him hurt. I
just know I can't do it.
I think he's hurting anyway.
I think he's hurting in his own personal hell.
That sometimes makes me feel better. but the not knowing
for sure makes me crazy.
Well I had a good day today in spite of it all. I try to
make my days good. I don't like wallowing in self pity,
even though sometimes I find myself crawling into that dark
space in my brain racked with memories of something that
was never meant to be.
OH well what can you do.


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