The Nightshade Princess
2002-07-30 20:19:08 (UTC)

Camelot lost, paradise broken

I read over some LesTaT's letters today. They were so
sweet and so full of love... I read also some of his
earlier journal entries. They, too, were loving and
beautiful. I don't know why I'm doing this. I called him
earlier today. He had just been dropped off to band
practice. His mother is not happy with me, not at all. I
don't blame her, after how badly LesTaT took the breakup...
but she never knew that it wasn't easy for me either. I'm
sure as hell not unscarred and without a tear... Damn... My
friends keep telling me that I am really still in love with
him. That could well be.
I think of this constantly. The decision was made for
me, and I will always remember that it hurt him so much to
do that, but he thought it would make me happier... I
wonder if it was the right one. DAMNIT!!! They're playing
Incubus on the radio now... I can't believe this.
I keep thinking that Halen didn't want to read my
journal, because I told him of the times when all things
were not right and I was drowning within myself. He didn't
want to know me... not all of me anyway. And then he is
insecure... REALLY insecure. It's bothering me. I knew he
was insecure to begin with but it's worsened now. It's not
just his jealousy of every young man or woman who wants my
attention, it's also insecurity about how I feel about
him. He thinks that I pull away from him, that I don't
want him around... GRRRRR.... DAMNIT! I feel like I'm
always trying to please him and placate him and
everything... I mean he's really sweet and exciting and
all, but it's worrying me just a LITTLE. What's going to
happen when school starts?
I'm starting to think that the trick to dating is
finding someone you can put up with, whose flaws and
insecurities don't bother you too much. Maybe dating is
all in compromise and there is no one who is PERFECT for
anyone... In my last relationship, it was pretty damned
close to perfect except for the last couple of weeks.