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Top 21 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner
of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
side become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by
ten thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
macaroni and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
"Pretty please with sugar on it".
3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes
and loses access to nude volleyball program.
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
calculated for the planet Vulcan.
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
- - - ---------------------------------------------------------
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
--------- Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
---------"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
Second Best Bumpersticker: "Hair color is irrelevent, you will have fun."
Third best: "Fun is irrelevent."
TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and
"The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
- - - -----------------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
Dick Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up
Top ten fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
- - - ----------------------------------------------------------
10. Playing Jimi Hendrix in the Holodeck while Geordi is there and using
appropriate psychodelia on the walls to drive him crazy
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A noogie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
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